Just wanted to drop in and wish you all a Happy Christmas (or whichever greeting you prefer to use) and to let you know that this will in all likelihood be my last post. It’s really quite ironic that, having stormed off from here more than once, this final exit turns out not to have been planned, or even precipitated. Initially, I just hadn’t the time to be here, due to my home situation, but when that settled down, and I thought about coming back, it was really hard to come up with a reason to do so. I won’t deny that the change in atmosphere here over the last year or so played a part in my decision: this used to be a fun place where you could just chill out and shoot the breeze, and to some extent, with some people, that’s still the case. However in more recent times it’s been like waiting for the next drama to explode, or worry that some innocent or humorous comment is going to set someone off, and it’s felt a little like living at the top of a dormant volcano, just waiting, waiting...
That’s not something you want to rush to come back to, let’s be honest. Sadly, this situation has been created by a few people, but in many cases these are either people with what we term power here, or people who have the backing of a lot of others, and that can leave you feeling kind of friendless and picked upon when these situations occur. At any rate, my presence here or not was never going to change that dynamic, nor do I intend it to. The thing is that right now I’m a lot happier, getting my writing done and focussing on other projects, and I don’t have the time nor the need for this place. It was of course different when I was writing my journals; then, I had something to do and felt a certain type of obligation to the one or two people who actually read them. But since leaving that behind (and I’ve never really regretted it, as it has freed me up to concentrate on my writing) my time at the forum has been more a kind of hanging out, chilling, some might even say wasting time, and that’s not really something I want to do any more.
I’d just like to say a quick thank you then to those who made my time here easier, especially in the hard times. People like Batty (doesn’t matter what name you choose, mate, you’re always going to be Batty to me) – even though he was often the first to join in on the verbal kicking at times – Jansz, Fluff, Qwerty, Ant, Chula (is he back yet? Heard he’d been banned for six months!), Lisna, Plankton, Ki (how ever many I’s you wanna put onto that), MicShaz, Chio and anyone else I forgot. Hopefully, at some point over the seven years I was here, I was able to reciprocate, as long as the bathroom door was locked, that is!
I won’t go into details of those who made not coming back an easier decision for me – you know who you are – but I bear neither you nor anyone else any ill-will, and as I say, my main reason for not returning is really that I don’t see anything here for me any more, and I have so much else to occupy me now. It's also great to be able to listen to the music I want to without a) having to or feeling I have to defend it or b) try to stretch my musical boundaries when I really aren't that interested in doing so, but have done in the past, just to fit in.
So I guess that’s it guys. After seven years and a bit, this is me saying cheery-bye. Odd that after everything, it doesn’t end with a roar, a sulk, a threat or in a cloud of fire and fury, but with basically a shrug of the shoulders, hands in pockets and a shuffle towards the exits. I certainly won’t be so arrogant as to say I’ve outgrown this place, but I do feel there’s little left to attract me back now, and though I could – and there’s always the small possibility, down the line, that I may – come back, I feel I’d be wasting my time and would probably regret it. But you know this place: it sucks you in, and I don’t want to spend the next few years hanging around here, not wanting to be here but not able to leave.
So I’m leaving. Well, technically I’ve left, as it’s been, what, five months since I was here last? But I didn’t want to vanish off into the night without saying goodbye, and I wanted to make sure to wish you all a Happy Christmas before I did. So Happy Christmas, Happy Holidays or Happy Grump Day, or whatever you’re having yourself. Best wishes for the New Year, and all subsequent ones.
Take care everyone, and have a good life. Thanks for having me since 2011: most of it was fun.
For the final time, this is Trollheart, with one last wall of text, signing off.
And as we Irish say:
Slan agus beannacht!