Blarobbarg

I’m going to teach you how to make the best goddamned half-assed white boy fried rice that you’ve ever put into your mouth, step by step. This is a multi-day recipe, so don’t fucc it up.

1. DAY 1: Order your favorite Thai food, preferably from a place that is a little dirtier than your conservative aunt would be comfortable with. Make sure at least 65% of the clientele aren’t white—that’s how you know it’s good—and get two dishes. I’m married, so that makes it easy, but if you’re not romantically involved share with a friend, or eat both by yourself in the dark. Make sure one of the entrees is a curry or something else wet.

2. Eat your food while watching episodes of Survivor from ten years ago. Enjoy. Comment on the spiciness of the curry, especially if you’re by yourself in the dark. Make sure to save at least half the curry.

3. DAY 2: Make a goddamned whole lot of rice. This is vital. I usually make 2 cups of brown rice at a time in my instant pot, but use what you got.

4. Slice up a whole onion and a whole bell pepper and las many mushrooms as you want. Sauté in a deep pan, season with whatever you’ve got, and dump in the leftover curry. Eat with NEW rice that you’ve made. Watch another episode of Survivor. Put the extra rice away.

5. DAY 3: Now we’re to it: the day of the fried rice. You’ll be glad you were patient. Cut up a whole onion, a whole bell pepper, some cherry tomatoes, maybe some carrots, maybe some peas… this is half-assed white boy fried rice, so do what feels good. We’re all gonna die someday, you don’t have to get stressed about fried rice. Sauté in a pot in your preferred oil. I would use peanut or olive.

6. While veggies are cooking, mix one big spoonful of peanut butter (I like chunky), one spoonful of chili paste, soy sauce, sesame oil, fish sauce, chili flakes, black pepper, lemon pepper, lime juice, and a touch of GOOD honey (everyone should have real, made-by-endangered-bees, unadulterated honey, not that bull**** watered down corporate honey in a bear shaped bottle). Stir vigorously. Set aside.

7. When veggies are sautéed nicely, put in your leftover rice from the previous night, and then your sauce. Mix continuously, until the rice has “unbunched” itself and become saucy.

8. After a few minutes, once rice is warm, smoosh the rice against the side of the pot and make a “hole.” Crack one or two eggs here, directly onto the pan. Once eggs are at preferred level of firmness, mix thoroughly. Add peanuts to taste.

9. Eat the fucc out of your White Boy Fried Rice. It took you three days to get to this moment: enjoy it. Make sure to watch another episode of Survivor. Savor every delicious bite in between yelling at your favorite contestant’s gameplay strategies.


2018 brought a lot of great music. I was frequently surprised at the number of high-quality releases I was hearing anew every day, and often, the sheer volume of interesting-looking albums forced me to ignore some in favor of others, especially in genres that I don’t often favor. I revisited some of these later in the year, and some I’m still catching up on.

One of these late listens was Honey, by Robyn. I have never knowingly listened to Robyn before this year, so I wasn’t particularly interested to hear it, but I have a friend who raved about it to me for months, and so eventually tried it out in late November.

Good God. I cannot believe that I waited so long to listen to this warm, dreamy, melancholic, nostalgic dance-pop perfection. It sounds like a warm embrace with the love of your life. It is doe-eyed but mature, sexy but sophisticated, danceable but not childish. For me, it’s an immediate classic, sitting amongst the ranks of pop gods and goddesses. The disco-lite and house flairs insure that it isn’t a flash-in-the-pan trend-rider, but will truly stand the test of time.

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