Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver

Interesting. This is one of those lyrics which I'd really have to hear with music to believe that it will work. It looks fantastic on paper and, as a written poem, reads beautifully with good imagery etc. (apart from the first two lines, which didn't seem to serve any purpose).

When read aloud, the lyric suddenly becomes much weaker. There aren't many lines that sound particularly good. The rhyming parts...


...definitely sounded best, although 'repose' grates a bit (its the 'ru' sound at the beginning of the word) and 'distill' is also a bit ugly.

The rest, while it is excellent in its descriptive wording and ability to set a scene, sounds pretty bad when read aloud. There are many other problems I have with it as a lyric; bad structuring (where are verses, bridges and choruses?); no hooklines; no obvious rhythm (this isn't necessarily a problem in practise, of course).

To summarise, as a poem I love it, as a lyric I really don't like it. You don't need to work on your descriptive abilities at all, but really need to develop an ear for a well-sounded phrase.