View Single Post
Old 04-09-2006, 03:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver
They call me Tundra Boy
 
DontRunMeOver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
Default

I like this a lot. Its very clear, direct and should hit a nerve with a lot of people. There isn't an obvious structure at the moment, but what you've got is ace.

The only lines I would suggest changing slightly are:

Listen closely the girls in the other room
sound like good fun shall we join them soon?

AND
On you on her my hands are out of bounds

The first pair suggest that its only girls in the other room, which sounds a bit dodgy because it could suggest you want to go to the other room to see lots of women, instead of leaving the general atmosphere of the room you're already in. It might be better if you said "listen to the sounds coming from the other room","listen to the people in the other room" or something like that. The 'closely' is unneccesary and the 'girls' sounds a bit suspicious!

The other line ("on you on...") is a bit confusing, who's hand are where? Although such vagueness can be good in some situations, if you're talking about an issue you have with something you want to make it pretty clear - focus the impact if you like. Just say exactly who's hands are where and then that this is out of bounds. (i.e. his hands on you, or her hands on me, whatever you want the situation to be.)

Other than that, its great.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
DontRunMeOver is offline   Reply With Quote