I like this one a lot too Hobo. Its great the way you've taken a general idea that people can relate to and then expanded on it with two slightly surprising stories. Ever critical, I've just got two lines to question.
Quote:
I order a tray of shots and knocks them down
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The rest of the meter seems pretty strict, so this line seems out of place as it doesn't have a rhyming partner-line. I'm guessing 'knocks' is a typo and should be 'knock'?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
the room is filled with a pile of naked guys
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You can't really fill a room with 'a pile' of anything. Unless its a very short, narrow, tall room. It might be better as 'piles' instead of 'a pile' or just 'the room is filled with naked guys' (which might be best as it gets rid of some excess syllables.
Other than that... awwwwwwesommmmmme.