Music Banter - View Single Post - My greatest song ever. Please read!
View Single Post
Old 04-11-2006, 05:22 AM   #5 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver
They call me Tundra Boy
 
DontRunMeOver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
Default

I like this one a lot too Hobo. Its great the way you've taken a general idea that people can relate to and then expanded on it with two slightly surprising stories. Ever critical, I've just got two lines to question.

Quote:
I order a tray of shots and knocks them down
The rest of the meter seems pretty strict, so this line seems out of place as it doesn't have a rhyming partner-line. I'm guessing 'knocks' is a typo and should be 'knock'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
the room is filled with a pile of naked guys
You can't really fill a room with 'a pile' of anything. Unless its a very short, narrow, tall room. It might be better as 'piles' instead of 'a pile' or just 'the room is filled with naked guys' (which might be best as it gets rid of some excess syllables.

Other than that... awwwwwwesommmmmme.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
DontRunMeOver is offline   Reply With Quote