I think about it daily. When I'm extremely depressed and unmedicated-- like at the very, very bottom of the abyss-- I experience some psychosis and the suicidal thoughts get much worse during that. For instance, I'll convince myself that I'm actually dead (that I died when my brother died) and living in some sort of weird afterlife simulation, and want to kill off my illusory virtual body. Or I'll become hyper-religious out of nowhere and start believing that the world is completely evil and that I must starve myself to death/jump off a building/etc in penance for my attachment to the world, for the great crime of having worldly desires/having a body/being anything but holy and pure. (I was not even raised religious so I have no clue where my hyperreligious episodes come from.)
In my normal depressed state, I'll just idly fantasize about killing myself. I'll conjure up detailed and thorough "back up plans" (for killing myself), and it'll soothe me. While on medication, the thoughts are still there, but they're quieter and less frequent. I've also always fantasized about starving myself to death gradually instead. (even though I know from experience that starving is not fun past the initial euphoria and increased energy)
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formerly Chiomara
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