Title: "In Excelsis"
Genre: Humour/Fantasy
Written: December 9 2020
Word Count: 984
Notes: Just a bit of fun I had with the Christmas carol "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks"...
In Excelsis
A Christmas Tale
(With apologies to all concerned)
While shepherds watched their flocks by night all seated on the ground
An angel of the Lord came down and glory shone around.
“Fear not,” said he, “for mighty dread hath seized your troubled mind!
Glad tidings of great joy I bring – Hello? Are you guys blind?
“I'm floating here in all my power and you don't seem to see;
A waste of time and energy this whole gig seems to be.
An angel is among your midst and your minds are not gone:
You should be cowering on your knees; is this bloody thing on?”
Thus spake the seraph, and forthwith appeared a shining throng;
But they could see from high above that something had gone wrong.
“It's no good boss” they all did cry: “they cannot see or hear -
The whole thing has gone pear-shaped sir, that is what we fear.”
“This job” he said “my seraph band, is getting on my tits:
The filter that allows them see us must be on the fritz!”
“Perhaps,” they said “it's only you; let us give it a try:”
And with a loud and joyous sound together did they cry
“All glory be to god on high and on the earth be peace...”
“You see?” said he. “You might as well be talking to the sheep.
The techs above have made a total screw-up of this thing.
Just hold off; there's no need for you to chant and pray and sing.”
Aye, to their glorious cry, it seemed, the shepherds were all deaf:
They could have sung and praised and yelled till they were out of breath.
No move did yonder men perform, nor give they indication
That they did see a blessed thing, so, loud with indignation:
“Good will henceforth to heaven and men begin and never cease...”
“I told you it's a waste of time! My wings begin to freeze.
”There's been some sort of cock-up, it must be some sort of glitch:
Some overpaid tech angel who will pay, son of a bitch.”
“To you in David's town this day is born of David's line...”
“Will you shut up! I'm on the phone! Yes I'll hold on, that's fine.
Hello, hello, is anyone there? Angel in distress!
I'm down on Earth, a special job; it really is a mess.
What do you mean, don't be a knob of course I did it – drat!
I left without recharging it and now my battery's flat.”
“The saviour who is Christ the lord and this shall be your sign...”
“Just put a cork in it will you? This is not the time.
Well I don't know, this ice and snow is freezing off my balls.
I wish that I were back in warm and comfy heaven's halls.
No I'm not getting at you guys, I know you do your best:
But a thumping headache I have got so just give it a rest.
You think to be an angel was my only goal in life?
An angel's lot is nothing but a load of bloody strife!
God says go here, God says do that and we can but obey;
When you want to put your feet up, He will send you on your way.
Look at those guys: they have no worries, sheep from dawn to dusk;
A simple life, it's easy for them to earn their daily crust.
Can you guys shut up? I know that you're a mighty host on high
But your song is getting on my wick; just go back to the sky!
No I know I'm not the boss of you, and you have got your task
The same as me, it's what we do; He doesn't even ask.
I fully agree that it's unfair, and look how cold the night!
Ice and snow are everywhere, what a dismal sight!
Still, says He, it gets you out; it helps to get fresh air;
But every word out of His mouth shows that He doesn't care.
It's interesting you feel that way; thought I was the only one
Who didn't think out of His arse there shone the very sun!
It would be nice to take a break, maybe grab a beer;
All of this announcing: I have had it up to here!
We know that Herod will soon try to kill the saviour born
But he will fail as they will fly to Egypt – they'll be gone.
Do we really think that Jesus' birth will make a difference here?
Don't you know humanity lives not on love but fear?
And when they've hung him on a cross at age of thirty years
It won't be very long before they'll forget all the tears
And turn to fighting 'mongst themselves on small points of the law:
Opening wounds that ne'er will heal and always will be raw.
So what's the point in all this joy, announcing his arrival?
Hope and joy and peace have not got much chance of survival.
And what do any of us get coming out on this cold night?
Your nose will freeze and it will feel like you have got frostbite.
And will He welcome us all back with opens arms and praise?
Oh no, not even “well done lads” are words He ever says.
But He's the boss, what can you do, we do not get a vote:
It's always His will must be done, we're all in the same boat.
I tell you what, head up on back, and get warm by the fire.
I can handle this alone; just put away that lyre.
He really thinks I need this job; when you get up above
Tell him from me that this job He can take and shove.
This angel lark is not for me – Heaven you can keep.
I think I'd rather spend my time just looking after sheep!”
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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018
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