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Old 04-23-2006, 09:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
TheBig3
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
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Well having read this book, and then this peice I'll have to ask what your going for.

I've expressed my problem with the forum before in that if these are songs, we need the music before we can judge.

If this was intended to be a poem then I have the following commentry:

1. its a little prose-y. Which is fine, just not for a poem, again im stabbing in the dark here not knowing what your intentions were.

2. Its almost like a retelling of the story in many respects, and i won't say its akin to a book report, but in a revision maybe get some of the feelings the book conveyed to you. You have this 'pitchfork" element to your writing here where you're more focused on showing us your read the book than how it moved you (which probably wasn't too much, if you're like me). Just refocus it, im not saying you ought to scrap it.

3. More show rather than tell, there are some vibrant images in the book like the diner on the snow covered mountain or the pier itself, channel some of those.

Hope this helped.
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