Music Banter - View Single Post - Trollheart's Mean and Sometimes Amusing Reviews of Albums He Didn't Like

Trollheart · 04-01-2022, 07:21 PM

If there's one thing you can say about me (to my face anyway; I know what you people are like) it's that I won't discount any album or artist without giving them a fair shot. This has led to my reviewing albums that let's say did not impress me, made me laugh outright, throw up my lunch or otherwise negatively affected me. Sometimes, as in the first one here, this was due to a challenge thrown down, sometimes it was as a special request from someone, sometimes it was just sheer bloody mindedness on my part: it can't be that bad, I would think, and then when it was, I'd make a laugh out of it.

I'm not a mean person (no I'm not) but if something deserves to be torn apart and there is no pack of hyenas or jackals handy, I'll do the job. I'll always try to do so with humour, and while it's always possible someone may take offence, none is intended, so my advice to you if you feel that way about any of the reviews here is to suck it.

While these albums may not exactly be recommended and are not destined to set the world alight (actually, this ****ing thing next may be) the reviews will, I hope, at least provide some mirth and humour. If not, then go **** yourselves.

Peace!

Originally Posted February 12 2014 in The Playlist of Life

Believe - Justin Bieber - 2012 (Schoolboy)

Disclaimer: Trollheart wishes to make it clear that he is only doing this because a challenge was issued by Briks, and he does not like to turn down a challenge (see “Classic albums I have never heard”).

I love Canada. Really. I'm a big fan. If there were two places I could live if I had the money and the opportunity they would be the Cotswolds in England and Canada. Everyone there seems so nice, life seems to go at a more relaxed pace and apart from Americans slagging them off, nobody seems to hate Canadians.

Except this one.

Bieber is the one thing that sours my love of Canada. I mean, he would be bad enough if he came from the US of A, where pretty boy talentless so-called popstars at ten a penny, or a thousand for a dollar. But no. He doesn't even have the good taste to be American. He has to sully Canada's good name by dragging it into his puerile attempts at music. Yeah, nice and unbiased, huh? Come on! What did you expect? I'm doing this under duress and against my better judgement. All right all right, let's listen to the damn thing. But first (try to put it off for as long as possible) some background, for those of you with enough taste not to know who this kid is.

First of all, and without any fear of correction at all, I can tell you he is a bastard. His parents were never married so he was born out of wedlock. What? I'm only stating the facts. Bastard, bastard, bastard. Oh, and the day he was born Satan grinned and Hendrix, Marley and Elvis all groaned. I made that last bit up. I think.

His mother, showing staggeringly poor judgement, refused to abort the baby against advice from her friends, and then doggedly pushed him towards a career in music. Thanks a lot Patricia Mallette! Guess we have you to thank for unleashing the musical equivalent of the antichrist upon us! To be fair, she had to raise baby Bieber on her own as a single mother, and worked two jobs to feed the family, which no matter what else you have to admire. And, yes, pain me though it does, I have to admit that Bieber apparently taught himself how to play the guitar, piano and drums, so he's not just a singer. Damn it! I want to slag him off and call him a talentless prick, but it's really not turning out like that. Stop it!

After making various videos of cover songs and posting them on YouTube, Bieber was discovered and offered a recording contract, and the rest is sadly history. He now has an army of fans, has sold over fifteen million records (are there that many gullible people in the world? It would seem so!) and is worth well in excess of fifty million dollars. This is his third album, the one in which he apparently wants to step away from the teenybop music of the last two, and be taken as a serious artiste. Yeah well, I'll be the judge of that!

So then, there's no putting it off any more. Time to hit play and grit my teeth, and see what I've let myself in for. I think I'm known for as unbiased reviews as I can do, so I don't want to put this down without a proper listen, but I'm not expecting my already-made-up mind to be altered over the course of the next forty-eight minutes and nine seconds...

So we start off as I expected, with an annoying pop uptempo dancy song with that blasted autotune all over the place. Could be any boyband or slef-important singer singing “All Around the World”. Plenty of “Woh-oh-oh”s and buzzy synth with club-style percussion and a breathy vocal. Apparently this song features someone called Ludacris. I don't know who he is. I also don't care. Meh. Next. While that plays out, let's at least give the guy some more credit (must we? Yeah, I have to be equitable) - he also writes his own music. Every track here is co-written by him with another songwriter, though there are none he writes solo. You have to admire anyone who can write their own songs.

Okay, enough credit. Let's get back to slagging him off. That first track was godawful, but “Boyfriend” is slower with handclap drums and a low vocal, sort of low-key Backstreet Boys kind of thing. Not too bad, and I say that with the unspoken understanding that every track here is just different levels of awful. The lyric is inspired certainly: ”If I was your boyfriend/Never let you go/ Keep you on my arm girl/ You'd never be alone.” Sigh. It's less grating on the nerves than the opener, but not much. Imagine Dragons, Script, anyone could have written this. Another yearning vocal in “As Long As You Love Me”, but it's not the old BSB song, which I kind of had expected. Rumbling, staccato drums in a slow pattern and soaring, squealing synth. This features Big Sean. Yeah. Oh look: he referenced Beyonce there! ”You can be my destiny's child.” Halfway through it kicks up the tempo and gets a bit faster and harder, and here comes a rap vocal so I assume that's our Big Sean getting in on the act. It's always funny in the least funny way to hear a guy who is worth untold millions sing about being starving and homeless. Bah.

There's a nice little bit of acoustic guitar to start “Catching Feelings”, (reminds me of Kurt Van Houten!) with a sort of slightly sparse dancy beat behind it and another low vocal, the melody rather similar to the song that just ended.

Full band kicks in now and it's jumping and hopping, No wait, that's “Take You”. Bloody Grooveshark! See, this is the problem when Spotify don't have the album, and I'll be damned and cursed before I'll pay even eighty cents for this thing! So the 'Shark has the tracks somewhat mixed around. Probably doesn't matter. “Right Here” features Drake, who I do at least know of, even if I haven't heard or am likely to hear anything he's recorded, and it's a sort of slowish ballad with nice vocal harmonies, but again meh you know? Nothing special here, and certainly nothing that's likely to change my mind about this guy.

Incidentally, considering how many writers most of the songs have I would question how much input Bieber had into the tracks. Maybe he did the lion's (or lamb's) share of the work, I don't know, but with all these guys helping out you'd have to wonder. Now we get “Catching Feelings” as the ones with the sharp rows of teeth who move to the rhythm a lot again rearrange the tracks for no discernible reason I can see. Was it worth waiting for? Well it has a nice sort of almost seventies pop vibe to it, bit like Bread or even the Carpenters in places. Soft lush keyboard and a breezy melody; you know, it's not too bad, and I say that in the full knowledge that I am now being taken over by some alien being who is putting words into my mouth. If I had to choose a favourite - or least hated, let's say - track on this album so far this would be it by a country mile. I can actually listen to this without vomiting blood.

Mediocrity is soon resumed though with “Fall”, a mid-paced ballad-ish song that's just embarrassing - although listening to this album that's kind of a given - while “Die in Your Arms” has again a nice seventies feel to it with bright piano and a slow rhythm, some sweet guitar, though the spoken vocal - supposedly sexy - is just laughable. The basic melody is okay, quite bouncy and upbeat, reminds me of Climax Blues Band or maybe the Little River Band. “Thought of You” moves the tempo back into dance territory, and removes any interest for me in a generic pop number, but if I disliked that then I hate the next one, which features Nicky Minaj. Oh dear god! “Beauty and a Brat”, sorry “Beat” - beat this! - is the epitome of dance music that I absolutely hate. Moving swiftly on...

Thank the lord Satan we're getting near the end! “One Love”, again, we're not talking about the Bob Marley classic here, just a sort of mid-tempo banal love song. It's followed by “Be Alright” which at least has a nice acoustic guitar backing, sort of “More Than Words” feel to it, and if I'm honest is the only other song I can stand on this album, which mercifully comes to a close with the title track. It's not all that bad really in fairness. Never thought I'd say that. Sort of mid-paced half-ballad with some decent piano and is that a strings section? Nice. It's not the worst song, and if I really force myself I can say that's three tracks out of thirteen that I like, or can tolerate on this album.

TRACK LISTING

1. All Around the World
2. Boyfriend
3. As Long As You Love Me
4. Catching Feelings
5. Take You
6. Right Here
7. Fall
8. Die in Your Arms
9. Thought of You
10. Beauty and a Beat
11. One Love
12. Be Alright
13. Believe

So what do I think of the album overall, having endured, sorry listened to it through? What do you think? Really? You think my attitude will have changed after one listen? Not likely. It's not the worst record I've ever heard, but it's nothing special at all. Just another pretty-boy singer doing what he does. Bieber could be the contestant or finalist on a million X Factors or American Idols, and I see nothing here to differentiate him from the many others ploughing the same tired old furrow with song subjects like “Girl you're the one for me”, “Why can't we stay together” and “It'll be all right.”

Meh, I'm sure it will be, for him. After all, he's made - and will surely continue to make - his millions as long as there are teenage girls in the world, and I suppose fair play to him if he's tapped into an almost endless market. But this sort of music is the kind of thing that I hate and it takes away attention from real artistes, definitely pandering to the lowest common denominator. I wonder where Bieber will be in ten years' time?* Twenty? Whereever it is, he'll still be a whole lot richer than I'll ever be, that's for sure.

But he'll never make me a Belieber. Oh, Canada! How could you?

* Note: Written in 2012. Bieber has now six albums with over 150 million sales and owns a 26 million dollar house in Beverly Hills. Gaaahhh!

04-01-2022, 07:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,970	Trollheart's Mean and Sometimes Amusing Reviews of Albums He Didn't Like If there's one thing you can say about me (to my face anyway; I know what you people are like) it's that I won't discount any album or artist without giving them a fair shot. This has led to my reviewing albums that let's say did not impress me, made me laugh outright, throw up my lunch or otherwise negatively affected me. Sometimes, as in the first one here, this was due to a challenge thrown down, sometimes it was as a special request from someone, sometimes it was just sheer bloody mindedness on my part: it can't be that bad, I would think, and then when it was, I'd make a laugh out of it. I'm not a mean person (no I'm not) but if something deserves to be torn apart and there is no pack of hyenas or jackals handy, I'll do the job. I'll always try to do so with humour, and while it's always possible someone may take offence, none is intended, so my advice to you if you feel that way about any of the reviews here is to suck it. While these albums may not exactly be recommended and are not destined to set the world alight (actually, this **ing thing next may be) the reviews will, I hope, at least provide some mirth and humour. If not, then go ** yourselves. Peace! Originally Posted February 12 2014 in The Playlist of Life Believe - Justin Bieber - 2012 (Schoolboy) Disclaimer: Trollheart wishes to make it clear that he is only doing this because a challenge was issued by Briks, and he does not like to turn down a challenge (see “Classic albums I have never heard”). I love Canada. Really. I'm a big fan. If there were two places I could live if I had the money and the opportunity they would be the Cotswolds in England and Canada. Everyone there seems so nice, life seems to go at a more relaxed pace and apart from Americans slagging them off, nobody seems to hate Canadians. Except this one. Bieber is the one thing that sours my love of Canada. I mean, he would be bad enough if he came from the US of A, where pretty boy talentless so-called popstars at ten a penny, or a thousand for a dollar. But no. He doesn't even have the good taste to be American. He has to sully Canada's good name by dragging it into his puerile attempts at music. Yeah, nice and unbiased, huh? Come on! What did you expect? I'm doing this under duress and against my better judgement. All right all right, let's listen to the damn thing. But first (try to put it off for as long as possible) some background, for those of you with enough taste not to know who this kid is. First of all, and without any fear of correction at all, I can tell you he is a bastard. His parents were never married so he was born out of wedlock. What? I'm only stating the facts. Bastard, bastard, bastard. Oh, and the day he was born Satan grinned and Hendrix, Marley and Elvis all groaned. I made that last bit up. I think. His mother, showing staggeringly poor judgement, refused to abort the baby against advice from her friends, and then doggedly pushed him towards a career in music. Thanks a lot Patricia Mallette! Guess we have you to thank for unleashing the musical equivalent of the antichrist upon us! To be fair, she had to raise baby Bieber on her own as a single mother, and worked two jobs to feed the family, which no matter what else you have to admire. And, yes, pain me though it does, I have to admit that Bieber apparently taught himself how to play the guitar, piano and drums, so he's not just a singer. Damn it! I want to slag him off and call him a talentless prick, but it's really not turning out like that. Stop it! After making various videos of cover songs and posting them on YouTube, Bieber was discovered and offered a recording contract, and the rest is sadly history. He now has an army of fans, has sold over fifteen million records (are there that many gullible people in the world? It would seem so!) and is worth well in excess of fifty million dollars. This is his third album, the one in which he apparently wants to step away from the teenybop music of the last two, and be taken as a serious artiste. Yeah well, I'll be the judge of that! So then, there's no putting it off any more. Time to hit play and grit my teeth, and see what I've let myself in for. I think I'm known for as unbiased reviews as I can do, so I don't want to put this down without a proper listen, but I'm not expecting my already-made-up mind to be altered over the course of the next forty-eight minutes and nine seconds... So we start off as I expected, with an annoying pop uptempo dancy song with that blasted autotune all over the place. Could be any boyband or slef-important singer singing “All Around the World”. Plenty of “Woh-oh-oh”s and buzzy synth with club-style percussion and a breathy vocal. Apparently this song features someone called Ludacris. I don't know who he is. I also don't care. Meh. Next. While that plays out, let's at least give the guy some more credit (must we? Yeah, I have to be equitable) - he also writes his own music. Every track here is co-written by him with another songwriter, though there are none he writes solo. You have to admire anyone who can write their own songs. Okay, enough credit. Let's get back to slagging him off. That first track was godawful, but “Boyfriend” is slower with handclap drums and a low vocal, sort of low-key Backstreet Boys kind of thing. Not too bad, and I say that with the unspoken understanding that every track here is just different levels of awful. The lyric is inspired certainly: ”If I was your boyfriend/Never let you go/ Keep you on my arm girl/ You'd never be alone.” Sigh. It's less grating on the nerves than the opener, but not much. Imagine Dragons, Script, anyone could have written this. Another yearning vocal in “As Long As You Love Me”, but it's not the old BSB song, which I kind of had expected. Rumbling, staccato drums in a slow pattern and soaring, squealing synth. This features Big Sean. Yeah. Oh look: he referenced Beyonce there! ”You can be my destiny's child.” Halfway through it kicks up the tempo and gets a bit faster and harder, and here comes a rap vocal so I assume that's our Big Sean getting in on the act. It's always funny in the least funny way to hear a guy who is worth untold millions sing about being starving and homeless. Bah. There's a nice little bit of acoustic guitar to start “Catching Feelings”, (reminds me of Kurt Van Houten!) with a sort of slightly sparse dancy beat behind it and another low vocal, the melody rather similar to the song that just ended. Full band kicks in now and it's jumping and hopping, No wait, that's “Take You”. Bloody Grooveshark! See, this is the problem when Spotify don't have the album, and I'll be damned and cursed before I'll pay even eighty cents for this thing! So the 'Shark has the tracks somewhat mixed around. Probably doesn't matter. “Right Here” features Drake, who I do at least know of, even if I haven't heard or am likely to hear anything he's recorded, and it's a sort of slowish ballad with nice vocal harmonies, but again meh you know? Nothing special here, and certainly nothing that's likely to change my mind about this guy. Incidentally, considering how many writers most of the songs have I would question how much input Bieber had into the tracks. Maybe he did the lion's (or lamb's) share of the work, I don't know, but with all these guys helping out you'd have to wonder. Now we get “Catching Feelings” as the ones with the sharp rows of teeth who move to the rhythm a lot again rearrange the tracks for no discernible reason I can see. Was it worth waiting for? Well it has a nice sort of almost seventies pop vibe to it, bit like Bread or even the Carpenters in places. Soft lush keyboard and a breezy melody; you know, it's not too bad, and I say that in the full knowledge that I am now being taken over by some alien being who is putting words into my mouth. If I had to choose a favourite - or least hated, let's say - track on this album so far this would be it by a country mile. I can actually listen to this without vomiting blood. Mediocrity is soon resumed though with “Fall”, a mid-paced ballad-ish song that's just embarrassing - although listening to this album that's kind of a given - while “Die in Your Arms” has again a nice seventies feel to it with bright piano and a slow rhythm, some sweet guitar, though the spoken vocal - supposedly sexy - is just laughable. The basic melody is okay, quite bouncy and upbeat, reminds me of Climax Blues Band or maybe the Little River Band. “Thought of You” moves the tempo back into dance territory, and removes any interest for me in a generic pop number, but if I disliked that then I hate the next one, which features Nicky Minaj. Oh dear god! “Beauty and a Brat”, sorry “Beat” - beat this! - is the epitome of dance music that I absolutely hate. Moving swiftly on... Thank the lord Satan we're getting near the end! “One Love”, again, we're not talking about the Bob Marley classic here, just a sort of mid-tempo banal love song. It's followed by “Be Alright” which at least has a nice acoustic guitar backing, sort of “More Than Words” feel to it, and if I'm honest is the only other song I can stand on this album, which mercifully comes to a close with the title track. It's not all that bad really in fairness. Never thought I'd say that. Sort of mid-paced half-ballad with some decent piano and is that a strings section? Nice. It's not the worst song, and if I really force myself I can say that's three tracks out of thirteen that I like, or can tolerate on this album. TRACK LISTING 1. All Around the World 2. Boyfriend 3. As Long As You Love Me 4. Catching Feelings 5. Take You 6. Right Here 7. Fall 8. Die in Your Arms 9. Thought of You 10. Beauty and a Beat 11. One Love 12. Be Alright 13. Believe So what do I think of the album overall, having endured, sorry listened to it through? What do you think? Really? You think my attitude will have changed after one listen? Not likely. It's not the worst record I've ever heard, but it's nothing special at all. Just another pretty-boy singer doing what he does. Bieber could be the contestant or finalist on a million X Factors or American Idols, and I see nothing here to differentiate him from the many others ploughing the same tired old furrow with song subjects like “Girl you're the one for me”, “Why can't we stay together” and “It'll be all right.” Meh, I'm sure it will be, for him. After all, he's made - and will surely continue to make - his millions as long as there are teenage girls in the world, and I suppose fair play to him if he's tapped into an almost endless market. But this sort of music is the kind of thing that I hate and it takes away attention from real artistes, definitely pandering to the lowest common denominator. I wonder where Bieber will be in ten years' time?* Twenty? Whereever it is, he'll still be a whole lot richer than I'll ever be, that's for sure. But he'll never make me a Belieber. Oh, Canada! How could you? * Note: Written in 2012. Bieber has now six albums with over 150 million sales and owns a 26 million dollar house in Beverly Hills. Gaaahhh! __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018 Last edited by Trollheart; 04-01-2022 at 07:40 PM.