I watch the coastline nervously as it comes nearer, and a trick of perspective seems to make it bob up and down on the water. I know of course that it's me, or rather, the ship that's carrying me, rising and falling on the swell of the ocean as I approach this new and daunting land, but my brain refuses to register that. Perhaps that's due to the trepidation I feel on making this journey. I look at my ticket and heft my shoulder-bag, and not for the first time ask myself why I'm doing this, why I'm putting myself through this torture?
Then I remember my promise to myself, and to the good readers of my Journal, back at Music Banter. I have decided to, Jackhammer-like, do my very best to try to ensure that I know as much about genres with which I am only peripherally acquainted, in order to fulfil, in a way, that old adage, know thine enemy. I do not expect to get into this music, but I want to be sufficiently informed that, the next time I slag it off, I can at least feel that I know what I am talking about. It's very easy to say “I hate reggae” or “All rap is awful”, or indeed “Punk is all noise”, but if you haven't listened to any of that music in any real depth then you're just as guilty of bias and ignorance as someone who has seen Genesis play “Follow you follow me” on TV and maybe heard Marillion's “Kayleigh” on the radio who says that all prog rock is rubbish. They don't know that, haven't taken the time to find out what the music is like, have based their opinion on the tiniest examples of that music, and so have come to a totally uninformed and biased conclusion.
My aim is to travel to the most foreign musical countries I can, sample the local music, and try to if not understand it, at least take the good parts out of it, or if they can't be found, relate why I find that particular music so unappealing. At least the next time I say, for instance, Bob Marley is rubbish (sorry, Marley fans, just an example!) and someone says you know nothing about reggae, I will be able to quote albums, artistes and songs to back up my assertions. Of course, these voyages could do the opposite, and change my mindset, so that I will in fact get into these bands, these different genres, or if not get into them, at least
get them. That would be interesting, to say the least.
And so, my first, purposely-chosen as perhaps one of the scariest genres to be explored is the clinical, cold, empty and formulaic world of the Boyband. At least, that's how I see such music. Whether this trip will change my mind, whether I will begin to see some good in this genre, or whether I will be able to appreciate with a new ear the music of such bands as Boyzone, Nsync and Backstreet Boys, is open to question. But at least no-one will be able to say I didn't try.
So, I remind myself, that's why I've come all this way, and as the coast comes ever closer into view, my heart begins pounding faster, and I reach for an anxiety tablet to calm my fracturing nerves. As the ship gets closer, and I can now make out the garishly coloured buildings that dot the coastline of this pristine country, a strange sound comes to my ears, borne on the wind, which itself sounds like nothing less than a frothy digital piano playing the same chords over and over again, till it is surely enough to drive hardened sailors mad and cause ships to dash against the rocks. How the captain stands it is beyond me.
I start to clap my hands to my ears, to shut out the awful sound, but then remember my promise, and grit my teeth and endure it as it becomes louder as we drift nearer and nearer. The sound resolves into a low, vibrant hum which seems to maintain the same level while at the same time appearing to rise in pitch. I shake my head, fish out a sandwich from my bag for energy as I stand at the rail of the ship, in the bow as we nose into the harbour, and with trembling hands quickly run up the last prog rock track I will be able to listen to before I have to turn my full attention to the simpering, poe-faced adolescent pap that passes for music from the residents of these islands. Sorry, that wasn't very open-minded, was it? Well, I'm not on their land yet, so sue me.
Before I know it, I'm leaving the ship on shaky legs, my ipod surrendered to the purser to eliminate any temptation to listen to other music, and making my way down into the docks and up into the many small villages which dot the area around the coastline. I realise with mounting horror now what that sound is, and it almost sends me screaming back to the ship, which I realise with hammering heart is gearing up for departure already. Understandable: few if any journey to these dark islands; this trip cost me, and no-one would stay here longer than they have to!
But the
sound! Yes, there it is again, higher-pitched and stronger than when we were coming into the harbour, and now that I'm on dry land I can make out the incessant, frenzied, almost overpowering sound of thousands upon thousands of female teenage voices just screaming, almost as one, at the top of their voices. There are no words can be made out, just an endless, indecipherable cacophony that hurts the ears and threatens to shake the brain loose from the skull.
I have arrived in Early BoyBand Land.
(note: my thanks to the designers of the maps used here. I have no way to contact you - or even determine who you are - in order to ask permission for their use, so hope you will not mind this somewhat irreverent use of your fine work, which is not meant in any way to denigrate or make fun of it. Just Boybands.)
The truly scary thing about this country is its
size! Boybands have been around since the Dawn of Time (well, the late seventies) but only really came into vogue with the emergence of New Edition, and on their heels New Kids on the Block, generally accepted as having been the first “real” Boybands. But just what
is a Boyband? Well, in the unlikely event that there are some of you out there blessed enough not to know what I'm talking about (World War 2 ended almost seventy years ago, by the way!) here's what Wikipedia, the online Encyclopedia of Everything, the web's version of the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - though without the amusing voiceover and graphics - has to say on the subject.
”A boy band (or boyband) is loosely defined as a popular music act consisting of only male singers. The members are expected to dance as well as sing, usually giving highly choreographed performances. More often than not, boy band members do not play musical instruments, either in recording sessions or on stage, and only sing and dance, making the term somewhat of a misnomer. However, exceptions do exist. In many cases boy bands are brought together by a producer through an audition process, although many of them form on their own.”
(The above was copied and pasted directly from the Wiki entry, the only time I have ever done this. I usually utilise Wiki for much of my information, but none of it is ever copied down verbatim. This once, I felt it was right to do so, given the largely false and insincere makeup of these bands. No dubbed vocals, though!)
So, definition confirmed, it seems to be agreed that the first two real boybands were these two, and although there was of course the Jackson Five, I don't really consider them a boyband, mostly due to the fact that some of them could, and did, play instruments (Tito played lead guitar, Jermaine bass and Randy played both keyboards and drums) and the teeny-bopper sensation of the 70s, Scotland's own Bay City Rollers, but again, they played instruments, at least some of them, and to my knowledge did not engage in any of the choreographed routines endemic to Boybands nowadays, so I'm not including them.
Onward, brave heart! The fire awaits! Or something...