Hiding Behind the Sofa:
Trollheart Revisits Classic Doctor Who
Yeah, more likely due to the poor acting, awful stories and terrible effects, than being afraid, which I never experienced. The only monster that ever even slightly scared me was The Green Death, and that was mostly because they looked like, well, mobile penises. That’s enough to scare anyone! But Daleks? Loved them. Cybermen? Kinda cute really. None of the other aliens/monsters gave me any sleepless nights nor sent me diving behind our sofa (couch I guess to you Americans) - after all, the vast majority of them were just people running around with bits of plaster stuck to their skin, badly-fashioned scales or feathers, and probably a rubber mask bought on sale at Woolworths. Ask yer da. So no, I was never scared, not even slightly, of
Doctor Who, original and of course never the new one, as I’m now too old to be frightened by - what was that? Oh Jesus! Let me just… turn on this extra light and get my phone dialling nine-nine-...
Nah. I remember in
Space:1999 there was a pretty graphic scene of a guy being burned to death, and it stayed with me for a while. Something about an alien that drew people in like a weird space siren and then toasted them up, sucking out whatever it wanted and throwing back the charred corpse. THAT was scary. Even recently, having rewatched it, yeah, I could feel a chill, and I did remark that it was pretty heavy for what would have been (erroneously) considered a kids’ programme, and broadcast therefore well before the watershed. But
Doctor Who? Can I think of one monster, alien or creature who has scared me in the entire series run from 1963 till now? No. Other than as mentioned, and I wasn't really scared of them, just a little repulsed.
All that being said, I was very young when Doctor Who was broadcast on the BBC at teatimes, probably about seven or eight (it began in reality when I was born, only four months later in fact) and looking back the first Doctor I recall watching is Jon Pertwee, so we’re talking 1970/71 or thereabouts, making me about eight, so yeah. At that age, I cared not too much for story and acting: I was just watching it because at the time we had four channels - RTE (Radio Telefis Eireann, our local Irish national television station), BBC 1, BBC 2 and UTV (Ulster Television, from up the North) - so your choices were limited. I’ve spoken of this before. As a kid then, you would watch anything that was vaguely interesting but which you might not normally be into, such as
Daktari (about, if I recall properly, and I probably don’t, an African vet maybe?) or
Bearcats, which I seem to remember having something to do with fast cars, or even
Cade’s County, which had some sort of vague Texas Ranger idea. I don’t remember these shows, it’s just as if there’s a vague impression left of them, like that afterimage you get when you close your eyes really tightly.
But being a science fiction nerd even at this young age, anything set in space, on other planets, with aliens or monsters appealed to me, and so
Doctor Who was right up my street, alongside shows like
Star Trek (duh) and
Logan’s Run, and later
Blake’s Seven. The point though is that I remember very little if anything from the episodes I watched, and I know for sure I didn't see any of the earlier Doctors at all. I also know that it’s the general consensus that the early seasons were laughably bad, and maybe not even in the so-bad-it’s-good vein, I don’t know. But I feel there may be some struggle involved here.
Which is why I’m not approaching this in any sort of serious way.
With apologies to those who revere early or Classic
Who, I’m doing this so I can basically slag it off. There will be no reviews - the plot, if there is one (and I’m reliably informed for many episodes it could be argued there was not) will get the briefest of mentions, but what I’ll be looking for will be giggles. Terrible costumes, awful dialogue, incomprehensible story lines, laughable aliens and so on. I’ll be seriously (yeah) considering the set design and effects, and busting a gut over how serious the actors are taking what is now seen as pretty much a joke, notwithstanding that it led to a pretty successful worldwide phenomenon. I have no wish to be disrespectful to the franchise, but hell, I am going to rip the piss out of it when and if and as often as it deserves it.
My plan is to go from season one, episode one and do one a week. I’m not really opting for more than that, as I have a very full dance card as everyone knows, and I don’t want to rush this or get to the point where it becomes a job instead of something I enjoy. If - and I feel it’s a big if - or even when there are good points to be noted I will not pass them over; I’m not out to ridicule the show (well, not all that much) and when or if it can show me that, wow, someone really thought about space physics here or someone considered how an alien race would develop, or even someone actually put thought into the costumes/aliens/landscape/whatever you’re having yourself, I will talk about it. I may even, if I feel like it, seriously discuss aspects of the show, such as its genesis. Depends on how things go I guess.
But mostly I feel I’ll be laughing, groaning, rolling my eyes and acting my usual smartass self.
Okay let’s go. There’s a geriatric waiting on set for stagehands to make his wooden police box travel through time. I don't give much for their chances, to be honest.