Ribbons, Jess, you're too sweet
I feel like I've made you worry on my behalf and it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry for that.
I'm not familiar with the term ideations (?), but the first time I remember thinking about it was when I was maybe 12-13 years old or so? I was feeling lonely at the time and when I was up on this mountain ledge, I had this thought I could end it and it was strangely comforting. In my late teens, I secretly struggled a lot with anxiety and panic attacks and I was really scared I was going insane. That also made me scared of suicidal thoughts and I just flat out denied my brain from entertaining any such idea. I didn't feel much of it in my 20s, but these thoughts appeared or reappeared when I came into my 30s.
I started to write a bit about what these thoughts mean to me, but reading it back in my mind, it sounded like it could be triggering - which is not what I want AT ALL! So I deleted it. Suffice to say I'm not bothered by my thoughts, only the other stresses in my life. I think I've had a near brush with burnout from work which has been kinda bad for a few years now and it didn't help when our son got blinded on one eye after an accident last Christmas when we all had covid, etc. There's been a couple other things as well, but it's a little more personal than I'd like to share in writing here.
I deeply appreciate your concern, but will be frank and say I don't wanna see a therapist at the moment and I don't wanna worry my wife or friends about it (including you guys). I'm used to thinking critically about my own thoughts and whipping them into shape when needed so feel like I got a decent handle on it and should be able to recognize it if I need outside help.
Jess, it saddens me to read about your experiences. I hope you are doing well. I also really appreciated your offer, like really really. I don't wanna be a burden to you, but having a friend to talk / message with about some of this junk would be nice. I might pick you up on it
