Trollheart

Note: Keeping violence entirely out of this makes it what we writers term a pain in the arse, so I’m going to allow some, just as little as possible. Rest assured, Alderaan will still get blown up. Nobody liked that planet anyway.

Chapter II: Troubled Teenager on Tattooine Seeks Crazy Old Man for Mutual Appreciation of the Force

Scene: Desert of planet Tattooine, or possibly a quarry in South Yorkshire. Marching stormtroopers, white armour shining in the brilliant light of two suns.

Stormtrooper 1: “Typical! He’s already changing the rules! Bloody writers!”
Stormtrooper 2: “You’d think he’d have planned the fucking thing out before hand, wouldn’t you?”
Stormtrooper 1: “I think this tit is making it as he goes along.”
Stormtrooper 2: “He certainly thinks he’s clever with the old alliteration, dun nee?”
Stormtrooper 1: “Ah who cares about him? We’re gettin’ paid, ain’t we?”
Stormtrooper 2: “True, that. All right then, you ready?”
Stormtrooper 1: “Ready.”
Both: “I DON’T KNOW BUT -”
Wader: “Right! I’m warning you bastards for the last time! The next cunt who shouts “I don’t know but I believe” is going to get my big black leather boot right up his ahhh here we are. Wipe your boots, men. We’re guests here.”

Scene: int. Johnnywalker Ranch. About fifty stormtroopers desperately trying to cram themselves into chairs, sofas, futons, onto ride-on Tusken Raiders, anywhere they can. Boots of one are up in the face of another, things are crowded. Wader does not seem to notice, or care.

Aunt Baru: “So nice of you to come out all this way, Anakin. Luke will be pleased when he gets back.”
Wader: “Baru, I’ve told you before! Ixnay on the Nakinanay. It’s Darth now. Darth Wader.”
Uncle Owen: “Don’t you think Vader scans better though?”
Sound of stormtroopers arguing in low voices over who should have the last Digestive biscuit. One practical joker busily tying the bootlaces of two others together.
Wader: “Oh yeah that would be a great name wouldn’t it? Don’t you know Vader is German for father?”
Owen: “What’s German?”
Wader: “I think it means it pertains to the issue. Look, I didn’t write this shit. Blame him.” Points up. Owen looks, squints, can’t see anything, shrugs. “Anyway, I told you that kid is not to know I’m his dad.”
Baru: “But why, Anak - ah, Dart?”
Wader: “Darth. Dar-th. With a th sound. Like Earth.”
Owen: “What’s Earth?”
Wader: “How on Mars should I know?”
Owen: “What’s Mars?”
Wader (irritated): “Look, never mind. Just - just shut the fuck up, Owen, all right? I know you only married my sister for her farm.”
Owen (under breath): “Well it wasn’t for her prowess in bed, that’s for sure!”
Baru (sharply): “What’s that?”
Owen (sheepishly): “Nothing, nothing. I’ll just - I’ll just take this sheep out of the living room, shall I? Leave a bit more room for all these nice raintrooopers.”
Stormtroopers (chorusing): “STORM troopers!”
Owen: “”. As he has already headed outside.
Baru: “What a stupid prick. Only married me because I bought the farm.”
Wader (surprised): “You… you died?”
Baru: “No. No, you fool, it’s just an expression. Honestly! How could I be dead and still talking to you?”
Wader (desperately trying to think): “Um, well, you could be, you know, one of them things they do now - deep space?”
Stormtrooper (looking up from Arms and Armour): “Uh, I think you mean deep fake, Lord Vader.”
Wader (glaring at him): “That’s what I said.” Back to Baru. “You could be one of them. A Deep Flake.”
Baru: “How did you ever get to be Lord of the Skit, Willy?”
Wader (huffily): “That’s Darth. Or Lord Wader, to you.”
Baru: “Pish and posh! You’ll always be the snotty little kid in short pants who the other kids laughed at because of your asthma. And don’t forget who stood up for you.”
Wader: “You always joined in!”
Baru: “I didn’t mean me. Don’t you remember old Ben?”
Wader: “Gentle Ben Ken-ya-be? The Scottish lad? Thought he was dead.”
Baru (folding arms, glaring at stormtrooper who has spilled tea on her favourite table mat): “Yeah, you know, you could be right, Willy. That could have been one of them, what did you call them, Deep Snakes? Probably one of them I saw when he called a few hours ago to take Luke to the gig.”
Wader (moodily): “Deep Flake.”
Stormtrooper (destined for latrine duty for a year): “Deep Fake, Lord Wader.”
Wader (catching up): “Wait a minute! What in the name of George Lucas did you say? Ken-ya-Be was here?”
Baru (sarcastically): “Try to keep up, Willy. I know you were slow at school but… Hey! Who's George Lucas?”
Wader (ignoring her question): “You know, I could have this whole farm burned down.”
Stormtroopers exchange that sort of look that says Oh no! We have to work?
Baru: “Yeah yeah. I told you, your big-ass title doesn’t impress me, Willy.”
Wader: “What? I - I don’t have a big ass!” (Looking at nearest stormtrooper) “Do I?”
Stormtrooper, pausing with ladyfinger half to mouth): “Uh, no, Your Skitship.”
Wader: “But then, you’re a yes man, aren’t you?”
Stormtrooper: “Yes, Lord Wader.”
Wader: “Dammit! Where do I find unbiased comment in this fucking place?”
Owen (coming back in): “I think it looks just fine in those… tight… leather… pants.”
Wader (in distaste): “Always knew you were a queer, Owen.”
Baru (rolling eyes): “Yeah, that explains a lot. Like how we have no kids of our own and had to adopt Luke to satisfy my maternal instincts!”
Wader: “And to keep him safe.”
Baru (shrugging): “Whatever.”
Owen (sidling up): “You know, you and me, Lord Wader, we could make beautiful music together.”
Baru (whispering): “You know, Willy, this farm has been a millstone around my neck for years. If someone were to, well, burn it to the ground… Well, all I’m saying is I have it well insured, is all.”
Wader: “And I suppose your Owen might tragically not make it out, huh?”
Baru: “I’d be devastated of course. But you see, Ben tells me he can get me a gig with the Tuskens. They pay good money.”
Wader (considering for a long time): “Nah, better not. In this galaxy of Peace and Brotherhood, such actions are frowned upon by the Empire. And besides, the paperwork’s a bitch. So you say Ben took Luke to a gig?”
Baru (looking somewhat disappointed and darting a venomous gaze at Owen): “Yeah, he took him out to The Cavern. Luke always wanted to see the Tuskens, but he could never get on the guest list. Ben knows people.”
Wader (rising): “Right then, I guess we had better be motoring. Thanks for the tea and biscuits,
Wader: “Whatever. Come on guys. We’re goin’ to the pub!” (Cheers) “To capture Luke and Ben.” (Groans) “And the first round is on me!” (Cheers) “So no doubles, triples or buying for your mates.” (Groans)
Baru (snappily): “Ah, I always knew you didn’t have it in ya, little bruv! No wonder the other kids beat you up!”
Wader (turning back): “You know what? This desert is very dry, and the slightest spark - like, I don’t know, maybe from a blaster - whole thing would go up like a tinderbox.”
Baru: “What’s a tinderbox?”
Wader (shrugging): “How the hell should I know? He’s writing this crap. Anyway, come with me into this room and we’ll discuss it.”
Exit Wader and Baru, Owen watching Wader’s retreating ass. Stormtroopers begin stuffing their pockets with valuables.
Stormtrooper 1 (stuffing statuette into pouch: “You know he had a son?”
Stormtrooper 2 (removing painting from wall): “Honestly, with all that black leather he’s always wearing, I always took him for a puff.”
Stromtrooper 3 (gouging stones out of wall): “You think he’s serious about buying the drinks?”
Stormtrooper 2: “Nah. He always says that, but when he gets to the bar it’s oh sorry guys, left my wallet in my other pants.”
Stormtrooper 3: “You mean the ones with the - ?”
Stormtrooper 2: “Yup.”
Stormtrooper 3: “Without the - ?”
Stormtrooper 2: “Uh-huh.”
Stormtrooper 1: “How come he always leaves his wallet in those ones?”
Stormtrooper 2: “Cause there’s a limit to what the emperor will allow even a Dark Lord of the Skit to wear. Gotta have some standards around here. Can’t have his top man going around with his ass hanging out of - “
Stormtrooper 3: “Watch out! Here he comes!”
Wader returns, alone. Sound of a muffled voice, banging.
Wader: “That’ll teach her to force me to dress in girls’ clothes till age fourteen! Wanted a sister, indeed!” (Louder) “Okay men, what do we say when the insurance agent comes nosing around afterwards?”
Stormtroopers in chorus: “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning…”
Wader: “Sweet.”

Scene: ext, desert.
The wind has hollowed out the sand for about two miles around into a huge depression, around which thousands of people crowd. In the centre of the depression a bunch of Tusken raiders are dancing and singing.
Tusken 1: “Why don't you ask him if he's going to stay?
Why don't you ask him if he's going away?”
Tusken 2: “Why don't you tell me what's going on?
Why don't you tell me who's on the phone?”
Tusken 3: Why don't you ask him what's going wrong?
Why don't you ask him the latest on his throne?
Tusken chorus (left): “Don’t say that you love me!”
Tusken chorus (right): “Just tell me that you want me!”
Tusken chorus: “TUSK!”

Ben Ken-Ya-Be (looking up): “Are you fucking serious? All this for that one clumsy set up? It’s not even a joke! It doesn’t make sense! What’s wrong with you?”
Luke Johnnywalker: “Who are you talking to, Uncle Ben?”
Ben: “I told you not to call me that, kid!”
Luke: “Oh. Didn’t you get the fried rice franchise then?”
Ben (moodily): “No. In these days of PC-correctness and affirmative fucking action, they gave it to some nig - GO GUYS, GO! Sandpeople rule!” (Turning back to Luke) “I love this band.”
Luke (clapping as the drummers let loose): “What should I call you then?”
Ben: “In my younger days they called me Oh Baldy One…”
Luke (Ben’s voice drowned out by the music and the clapping of the crowd): “What?”
Ben: “Nothing. Call me General.”
Luke: “Are you a general?”
Ben (testily): “Did you invent whisky? Don’t ask stupid questions, kid!”
Tusken chorus: “TUSK! TUSK!”
Luke: “What's whisky?" (No answer so) "So who were you talking to, um, General?”
Ben: “What?”
Luke: “Just now. When you looked up into the sky. You were talking to someone.”
Ben: “Yeah. Our lord and master. Can’t you see him up there, grinning like an idiot?”
Luke: “No. Can’t see nothing.”
Ben: “Anything.”
Luke: “What?”
Ben: “It’s can’t see anything. Don’t use double negatives, kid. It’s not a good look.”
Luke: “What? I don’t use no double negatives.” Pause, face screwed up in thought. “Whatever that is.”
Ben: “Right, of course. I forgot. You’re a teenager. Teenagers can’t imagine anyone controlling their destiny. Think they run the world and nobody can do it better.”
Luke: “Huh. Nobody controls my destiny.”
Ben: “Sure kid, sure AH FUCK IT! What idiot did that?”
A flare is launched from the crowd. The Tuskens scatter in panic. Boos ring out.
Luke: “Aw.”
Ben: “Don’t worry kid. Sandpeople scare easily, but they’ll be back, and in greater numbers.”
Luke: “Like what?”
Ben: “You have to hear their version of "Freebird". Classic. They do a decent "Johnny B Goode" too.”

In the sudden lull, Luke notices a plume of smoke drifting on the desert air.
Luke: “Unc - I mean, General! What’s that? It’s - it seems to be coming from the farm!”
Ben: “Oh fuck!” (sotto voce and also in a low voice that can hardly be heard]) “I knew that bastard would catch up with me sooner or later. Talk about a protective brother! And I hardly touched her!”
Luke: “Aunt Baru? She told me you took her by force.”
Ben: “WITH THE Force, kid! It’s VERY different. Not that Wader will care.”
Luke: “Wader? DARTH Wader? He’s here?”
Ben (indicating the smoke cloud): “I think he’s left his calling card.”
Luke: “Wow! I have his poster and I’m in his fan club and everything. Think he’ll give me an autograph if we can get back in time?”
Ben: “Your fath - I mean, the Dark Lord of the Skit probably ain’t got no time for signing autographs, Luke.”
Luke: “Hasn’t got time.”
Ben: “What?”
Luke: “I think you used one of them double negathings.”
Ben: “Negative.”
Luke: “No, you did, I heard you. Anyway let’s get back to the farm. We gotta burn rubber!”
Ben: “Landspeeders don’t have wheels, Luke.”
Luke: “Just an expression, General.”
Ben (to himself, shaking head): “A very unfortunate one, in the circumstances.”

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018