DontRunMeOver

This might be based on real experience, but a lot of it doesn't really ring true. If you're going to write a story then it helps to either have a strong experience which you've thought a lot about so that you can bring it out with full detail, or to have at least imagined such a story in such detail that the listener/reader imagines it to be true.

If what you've written about did actually happen, then you still need to improve on how you communicate it. For example:

"now i had more babes
but they weren't the same
something about the way
she laughed in the rain"

When does somebody laugh in the rain? Why would they be doing it in the rain (unless you're trying to shoe-horn in a rhyme here)? This doesn't seem like a normal thing to remember. The [i]way[i/] she laughed in the rain makes it sound like you've seen a lot of people laugh in the rain and her way of laughing in the rain was better than the way in which other people laughed in the rain. You see what I mean?

And "I had more babes, but they weren't the same" sounds like an idle boast. Who were these babes? How were they not the same? Why would anybody believe this? We need details? Or are we to assume that your judgement of these babes was based on their lack of interesting ways of laughing in the rain?

"she had three guys
she loved all night
and i wondered why
she didnt treat me right"

This sounds like you already knew she was loving three other guys all night (what does this mean? She was having a MMMF foursome? The sequence in which you tell it also makes it sound like you already knew she was having all-night foursomes and then you STILL wondered why she didn't treat you right. Perhaps she was sore?


What I'm getting at here is that when you're telling a story you should minimise using cliched phrases and forcing rhymes into the music, because they make the story sound less true - like its a story which was created from a rhyming dictionary, rather than being a true account which happens to rhyme and fit to music.
(I expect I do this myself, but its more obvious when somebody else does it.)

Keep going at it, rework! Rework!

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