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Old 06-29-2006, 04:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
Crowe
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
First half of a work in progress - any suggestions for the continuation?

I can still see the soldier boys
Chanting in the square
I still feel the urge to merge
With the voices there

Years of bitter stories
Kindling needing fire
A violent tongue to guide us
The only spark required

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
Listen to machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Play out my father’s rage
Grievances never pass
Listen to machete blades
Fall on bones that break like glass

Now the scratches on the pew
The red marks on the wall
Shudder through my brain
Reminded of the day
These humble farmer’s things
Turned into killing tools
The blood which stains these hands
Will not wash away

Very cool DRMO. I like new topics with a fresh writing style. I really have nothing to say to fix... do an x2 if you are repeating something, imo. I know I don't like reading the same thing twice in a row if I can help it. Uh.. well, one line (the one I highlighted) - I dont know... I feel like it breaks the flow, something doesn't fit in... let me see... I think it may be the hard "THE" only spark required, maybe - the same idea... but "Is the only spark required" may work better or "To create the spark desired" - I dunno, that's my opinion and it's very, very nitpicky. Gj
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