your lyrics come across as dark and not really great..
just seems like something that could be writen completely diffferent and so much better by you. I wouldn't even keep the first 4 lines.. The first line alone just makes me wonder what the hell your talking about, and as i read on i know but still it stands out but not for why it should. Just take a minute read it over and think what would pull people in, what sounds good when you'd sing it or whatever.. and see how you can fix it. I personally don't really like the song, so thats why i cna't really give you direct lines or words you should change. Sorry.
now go bash my lastest songs to hell haha..
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