Originally Posted by Merkaba

It gets better toward the end. The first four lines are eather too jolty or just don't make any sense to me; infact it's probably a mixture of both, and causation of one another.

Perhaps you could try creating a result, such as the last line in your piece, and work backward from there, making sure it all relates. Because yeah, the first half doesn't seem to have anything to do with the second half???

Favourite lines were the confidence line, and the smile line. I thought they were good.