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Old 07-23-2006, 12:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
Raine
Full-Time Hellion
 
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: PA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
Buuuump.

I just wrote many more lyrics for this song, so please peruse and let me know your thoughts.

(In particular, do you think the last verse moves from 'guilty' to 'suicide' too quickly, how could I affect this transition more smoothly? Meaning:

"History records
A million killed
The few of those I witnessed
Haunt me still

Now I stand at the border
Calm at last
A clifftop over water
This is where I choose to pass"

Is that too abrupt a jump between topics?)
it's a subtle jump. and goes nicely with what you already have. It makes this story that you've woven into a song very more emotional. I think it would appeal to a lot of people especially in this age where war seems to be on everyone's mind. Or somwhere in everyone's mind.

I like it. And does the last line (this is where I choose to pass) fade out?
Just curious
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