Mhh, it doens't really seem connected. Like what does the sunlight in your eyes (which would metaphorically more point to your fragilness at that moment than hers) have to do with her being fragile?
And why would you say a burning sun, is dying? I get what you mean metaphorically, I just don't think it sounds right. Maybe it could be dying in your chest, getting colder, or instead of dying, explode after heat up. Depends on the scenario with the girl.
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I rocked my shoelaces untied
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