Quote:
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Originally Posted by swimintheundertow
I'm not finished but this is my first time in a very long time sitting down and trying to really write something so I would like to know if I'm going in the right direction
The Black Shirts are in black ties
while I cut ties with the disparged
and heed to the heaving of lack of compassion
scour my heart for lack of reaction
Tonight feels unusual as I sneak my glances
Here in the corner while I fill their glances
The headstrong are not strong
and the hawty are humble
The belligerent passify
and the outspoken mumble
Phonetically written philippic speeches
carved unto floor boards so no one will read 'em
and then I wrote a bunch of incoherrant nonlinear jibberish that I have to get together.
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I like the wording of the last stanza or rather the the broad vocabulary range.
The first part is a little too repetitive or rather it lacks variety.
Not necessarily voab wise.
I think it's somehow off by saying that ties are in black shirts.
I think it would be better as
Black ties on back shirts
but then it doesn't seem to go with the rest of the stanza.
i guess it would work if you used the black tie black shirt thing as part of a chorus or something.
I think for the most part it's a bit of mix and matching with simple language and complex language.
It's kinda wierd. I like it but then I don't like it.
I think you used one of my favorite En glish words ever:
hawty
And lastly
the belligerent pacify
and the outspoke mumble
I think you could find a better word than pacify.
Good luck with this.