Quote:
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Originally Posted by explosions-in-my-pants
Default The upper east of the lower south
The moment I opened my eyes, I knew.
Like my past memories came to be true.
The second he leaned in it,
Rained down,
It dripped through the floors.
Like the warmest memories, when the days were true
When silenced thoughts, with brainless spills,
and everything lay open for him to see
Every thought, everything dream
‘Someday' I said we would will be.
The confidence lay still inside of me.
The loneliest dreams faded to mist.
The smile left open with a simple kiss
Softer and sweeter
The taste of his sweat
The moment we touched I could never forget.
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what do you think now Crowe?
I'm still a little worried about ruinning it all together or making it worse.. I could use all the help I can get..while my cratice energy is still growing strong..
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It's turning into a beaut.
The bolded area... I think you need to move that first "it" down to the next line... the aesthetic of the stanzas aren't as important as the message. Try putting :it: down there.
:IT dripped through the floors: - what did? The rain? The love? The warmth? The memory? His testicals? Give us what "it" is and accompany it with an adjective that is offbeat and that will give what a mediocre line a loving touch. Go for "it".