Quote:
Originally Posted by PipersLabyrinthX
Dizziness sets in
Is this really what I want?
I ask myself in darkness
With the cigarette burning inches of its life and years of mine
Fantastical ideas of the abstract love
A thought it is....and so it shall be
Commitment is a word used only by the secure
And the unstable suffer with tragedy after tragedy.
Looking back hurts
Differing the truth from lie
Makes me cry
Inside, makes me die.
So you toyed with me, had your fun
Hope you're happy because i'm not
This is what I get for falling for you
And this song what you get for ****ing with a 17-year old
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Oh gosh
First stanza last line the word life should be changed. Only because a cigarette isn't a living thing.
Second stanza first line the word fantastical. Ditch that.
Second stanza second line. Change An to A
Second stanza, third line I added the word
a
Second stanza last line. it just doesn't sound right and it's something of a cliche and a stereotype.
The third stanza should probably be of fby itself and would probably go better with either a different subject or an entirely new song or whatever this is.
The last stanza deviates is in no way organized so that it goes with the rest of this.
Try
So you toyed with me, had your fun
This is what I get for
falling for you
And this is what you get for ****ing a 17-year old
I deifnitely think the word falling could be substituted for something else. And maybe if you an add anothe rline or 3 it will carry more meaning to it.
Otherwise. . . . . . .