I'm sorry I think it's a bit tacky. It are words that are known to match, you see them in so many songs. I'm talking about stuff like:
-slower/lower (Shouldn't it be so
much slower? And we have heard the thing about a 'low heart' it's getting old and cliché)
-right/tight (Though actually I think that part is sweet, if you change the others, this could stay)
-old/cold (the cold part seems cliché, and the growing old part may be a bit too heavy if you're sending this to someone, who does not love you anymore...)
''I fell so hard and fell so fast,
I really wished that it could last,
Now all that fills me are memories of the past.''
cliché, and you said that you were lonely and cold, I don't think that getting filled by memories of the past is the good way of saying this. It are probably nice memories, but do they make you feel good? Because eery time a memory creeps in, don't you get reminded of the ''break-up'' too?
''I still love you immensely,
Think of you endlessly,''
Cute, keep that in, but change this part:
''I hope that right now you’re happy,
Even if its not with me,
And we will be together soon.''
Because you hope he's happy, even if it's with someone else. Yet you expect you two to get back together soon. Maybe you could say something like:
''I still love you immensely,
Think of you endlessly,
Wish we could be together soon,
but I want you to be happy,
even if it's not with me.''
I don't have a large English vocabulary, so for great words you have to be with someone else. All I can do is say I don't like yours.
