Not diggin' some of the line breaks. Mostly the two with one word as the entire next line. It only works if the last word is a sharp word. Words like...razor...stuff with R's or Z's work very well, making razor a triple whammy.
No one to count on as the earth seemingly swallows you whole < Boring. Used. Like Pam Anderson. (You'll find I make a lot of fun of her).
Cheers of the crowd
Influenced by jeers of the proud < Not all that great rhyme.
So, yeah. Your biggest problems is the line breaks, the ones where the second half of the sentence, on the next line, is really short. Then that one really cliche line. Not bad though.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:
What's with people dying? Shit.
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