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Old 01-12-2007, 10:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
Ban Captain Caveman
PaperHurricanesAndPlanes's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560

Why is the wind so cold when I’m all alone,
White out in the night and I’m blinded from site,
Bright light in the distance don’t see me, but its too late,
The crying sound of the tires all around, as I hit the ground,
^ Sight not site. "White out" You mean that stuff that you erase with, because that sounds hella cool. I think it might be one word though.

Why is the snow so cold to the touch,
Lying on the freezing ground, howling wind the only sound,
I try to make a move but cant stand the pain,
From the glass in my skin, the **** my eyes,
^ To touch, not to the touch, that sounds weird. The third line is rather bland. The last one, is read better as "And the shit in my eyes. Try to get past the censor next time.

A light at the end of the tunnel couldn’t be,
I know I’m gone but where am I now,
Why does this light still shine, blind my eyes,
What was the point of it all, **** it all and no regrets,
^ Replace this entire verse. Because this is terrible, however, if you just randomly start talking about a tunnel as you do in the next verse, that's horrid transition.

Voices bouncing in my head, telling me that I’m not dead,
Help is here and your going to be fine they say,
Hold on to what you love and let these words ring out now,
Let the words ring out now……
^ Not so fond of the rhyme in line one. The second line is pretty bland. Other than that, not bad.


It's your turn on my piece now. Politics That Eradicate.
Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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