A title doesn't have to be something in the song, you can really make it anything though its best to make it relevant.
Quote:
Opening the door I enter in, respectfully,
The bed, still unmade from ‘that’ morning,
the CD’s by the hi-fi,
never to be played again,
If they were, they’d never sound the same,
in my friends bedroom.
|
I don't like 'in my friends bedroom' here, it just seems like something more powerful could be said -I don't know what- and isn't.
Quote:
The ashtray with it’s dimp’s,
Like a final request. (or, A final request?)
The clothes strewn across the floor,
the shoes, the jeans…the mess,
never to be worn again, lie,
in my friends bedroom.
|
This, just seems kind of weak and insignificant, it doesn't go anywhere and seems placed there for the sake of being placed there.
Quote:
The worn out guitar, standing lonely by the door,
waiting in vain, never to be strummed again.
No more future memories,
no rhythm nor rhyme.
And here I stand for the last time,
in my friends bedroom.
|
The last time sounds too melodramatic, the first four lines before that aren't bad though.
Quote:
Downstairs, amidst the muffled sobs,
a soft voice drifts slowly upwards,
to my friends bedroom…
“Time to go”
Dressed in black, I leave and don’t look back,
at my friends bedroom.
|
This is pretty good, but I don't like the constant returning to in my friends bedroom, it seems kind of trite for one and after hearing it four times it gets repetitive.
Though, I think the my friends bedroom has this certain childesque charm to it. It sounds less like something coming from an adult and more something from a kid, I don't know if I want you to change that part anymore. I don't know do with it what you will.
All in all, its pretty good for what it is, except the second verse.