Read through parts of the novel, it's way too rough not to clean up, but there are maybe two chapters total I could send with disclaimers, I'll send one Saturday. I really doubt I'll go back and rewrite this anytime soon, if ever. I'm actually in a real 'fuck art, let's dance' (ala malkmus t-shirt, circa: 1993) mood.
Art is just seeming base right now. The 'out put' is just dumping garbage. I did do a couple paintings last week using only a butter-knife to get the paint on the canvas. That's about mood appropriate. No pretense of controlling precise details. Fuck 'em.
I also went to the NIMH website and looked over bi-polar disorder. I get so discouraged in just term 'mental health experts' anymore. I did put 'An Unquiet Mind' on the booklist, but right now I'm in a no input funk, so it'll be awhile. They mention that it's biological, but then go on to say that it can't be identified physiologically. It's stuff like that that leads me to think there is some piece of guess-work in the treatment, particularly treatment that involves the brain chemistry, that's a little bit like wearing boxing gloves to perform surgery, like blindfolded archery, sledgehammer mechanics.
The fuckers' got very little idea what they are fucking with.
But from the descriptions, I can see where your reservations about being 'the girl' and disclosing the journal come from (in both the mania and depression, as well as the brutal neutralization of any inhibitor meds). And I see where the 'seductive' aspect of your work comes from. I actually found that little bizarre in context. For myself any of the slight mania I've felt comes with utter indifference to others' attention, and much less their affection. But I wondered from just the sensation what it feels like, the urge and seduction, if it feels like you're being fed in a starved sensory way by their attention. If you feel their eyes in a way like you are devouring their attention, or if it's more passive, more submissive. It brings up some interesting question, but it's also a sensitive aspect/ topic to discuss.
I've had Malkmus playing since the start and now it's got me completely distracted, even though I'm feeling kind of chatty. Hope I don't miss the fucking italics.
I had a crap gin and tonic
at wounded knee (malk)
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