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Old 03-07-2007, 12:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
jibber
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Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Istanbul was Constantinople now it's Istanbul not Constantinople...
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there's too many spelling and gramatical errors for one thing, it's distracting as hell, and hard to take it seriously at all. fix that.

otherwise, a lot of the rhyming is REALLY forced, especially the last two lines, the only way that rhyming a word with the same word ever works is if there's a message and a reason behind the repitition, in your case it just comes across as laziness. It could be a decent piece, but i'd suggest going over it, thinking over the vocabulary a bit more, and stating a more concentrated message. At the moment it's just a very generi poem about peace and a location, there's no message to it at all.
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