sleepy jack

Be wary of the corrupt.
Do not grace them with your radiance,
Their sins are a disease.

I think those three lines could be more impactful I don't know how...but I just think they could.


"You will see this disease in the heart of me.

And soon my heart will cease to be."

I think it takes away from that part having heart used twice maybe place those lines in one part together and do something like.

"You will see this disease in me,
And soon my heart with cease to be."

or

"You will see this disease in the heart of me,
And soon it will cease to be"

i dont know i just don't like using a keyword twice so close together.


I really really liked this, my favorite one i've seen from you recently.

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