Quote:
I wrote a message in the dark
Wakened by the passing cars
grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart
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I'd switch wrote a message in the dark and passing cars, and take out heart. Heart is kind of overdone but can be used effectively and its not here.
Quote:
Old cliches and reused words
Thrown into an empty song
[Feels] like I've already waited too long
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Having read this, are you trying to use old cliches and reused words to form an empty song? You could do a better job at it because this doesn't have many of them only a few.
Quote:
I sent a message in the dark
[But] I'd rather have you talk with me
'Bout how this world was made you and me
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Try not to rhyme a word with the same word, it sounds bad. I suggest cutting it, message in the dark isn't that strong of a line and shouldn't be repeated that soon.
Quote:
[Now] I'll just linger at the door
Knowing that you won't be home
Wait four years and see your smile again
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Wait four years to see your smile would be better.
Quote:
You say you've crossed a thousand seas,
But now you're drowning in a stream of
thoughts and bits of you and me?
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This is probably my favorite part out of the whole thing I don't have much of a problem with it.
Quote:
All that glitters is not gold
Take a fall from a first glance, you don't
realize that life's not a slow dance
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All that glitters is not gold wasn't cliche when shakespeare used it, but it is now. You could probably find a different metaphor to describe pretty things not being great. It doesn't even have to be that different, just slightly different.
Quote:
I scratched a message in the dark
I can't remember what I wrote
Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?
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This was a rather weak ending, I don't know what type of music its set to I guess it could work with some others not so much.
I thought the piece was bland and didn't hold anything interesting, I don't know what to say to fix it since the subject is kind of lame and the things you talk about are pretty vague.