Quote:
Your pale blue eyes were always a mystery to me and
I finally realized what they had been hiding from me
And from everyone else for ll those years, my dear
You've got a play pen of flames behind those orbs of
Yours and they dance so seductively.
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Dance so seductive would sound better, and I don't know if this is about personal experience or not but if it is then stick with pale blue eyes if its not go with a less overdone eye color.
Quote:
I honestly can't say if it was the kind words or your
Kind hips that made me fall for you but somewhere
Along that rustly nail road my heart took a fondness
For yours and you claimed that yours did the same,
But my tears don't show that.
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That last line sucked Dave, not even going to pretend it doesnt. Just take it out and that verse will be fine. Claimed plays up the sorrow well enough.
Quote:
Once I dreamed of a tree making love to the sky with
Each of its skiny branches stroking it's spine and
I saw your face giving a wink in one of those clouds
While a lonely little boy lay in front of the pond allowing
The water level to raise just a little more.
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this is good, my favorite verse out of the whole thing.
Quote:
I wish I had never fallen for you, but that doesn't
Make this any easier. I've been abused before but
My heart has never been raped quite like that and
All I can remember now is that little seductive look
You gave me night after night, it does like to taunt me
In my dreams still.
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Raped is an ugly ugly ugly word, and coupled with my heart its just not good.
All in all it needs some work, I honestly think you should scrap all the verses but the third because the whole thing was sort of typical teenage heartbreak poem.