Music Banter - View Single Post - Six Musicians With Pasts They Hope You'll Forget

Predator · 01-29-2008, 10:59 PM

Almost there, but this is still from the same place.

Quote:

#2.
Pantera

Pantera can rightly claim to be the loudest, heaviest, most ball-breakingly extreme band to ever reach number one on the Billboard Top 100. Tracks like "****ing Hostile," "Slaughtered," "Death Rattle" and "Sandblasted Skin" are ones you're not likely to hear covered at weddings, unless the wedding is awesome.

Quietly airbrushed from their biography however, is the fact that this hardcore band could once have been mistaken for the embarrassingly effeminate offspring of Spinal Tap and Cinderella, releasing several shameful glam metal albums that would make even Britny Fox cringe.

Became famous because...
In the early '90s the term "heavy metal" was pretty much applied to any group sporting long hair and tight pants, despite the fact that most looked and sounded about as threatening as Hilary Duff. Pantera however, deserved the label. Fronted by a shaven-headed redneck with a guttural bellow that could tear you a new *******, and backed up by some of the largest, hairiest Texan metalheads ever to learn how not to play an instrument, these self-proclaimed Cowboys From Hell began a new wave of groove metal that financed the BMW's of many a hearing specialist.

The banned artwork that graced the cover of Far Beyond Driven (featuring a heavy-duty drill bit protruding from a location most people would prefer not to be drilled) and the charming fist-in-the-face cover of Vulgar Display of Power were appropriate metaphors for the ear-splitting sensation of hearing Pantera for the first time.

Became famous despite...

It's hard to choose the most shameful aspect of the complete travesty that was 1980's Pantera. Was it the teased hairdos and leopard skin spandex, the emasculating combination of which made it look as though Warrant could kick their ass? Was it the fact that most of their lyrics from this era make Alanis Morissette's early offerings look like the lost works of T.S. Eliot? Or was it this:

Their tracks often had ridiculous, innuendo titles that would even make Prince roll his eyes (see "Ride My Rocket," "Come-On Eyes" and "Nothin' On But The Radio"). For a taste of the shameful horror they were inflicting upon audiences during this era, check out this pansified verse from 1985's "Forever Tonight":

I wanna feel you in my arms
I wanna love you til the emptiness is gone
Take my hand
Tonite could be the nite
Understand my heart is cryin'
Oooooooooh, forever tonite

Yeah, we're talking Michael Bolton territory here.

While the above list of indiscretions is unquestionably disturbing, it's frightening to think that none of these are dire enough to qualify as the worst of their career. Yes, despite some humiliating fashion choices, despite once having a lead singer with the boy band name of Donnie Hart, even despite the fact that umpteenth vocalist Phil Anselmo at one point appeared to steal Cyndi Lauper's hairdo, the band somehow managed to concoct something even more embarrassing.

Our vote for the ultimate lowlight of Pantera's career is the following excerpt from 1985's "Hot and Heavy":

Take a look at my ice cream cone baby
Go ahead, take a lick
Can't wait to take you home
Beat you with my stick

Yeah.