The first line sounds a little clumsy. From the second line it reads smoother, the rhyme at the end gives it a good feel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yukon Cornelius
OK i would say good job if this is just poetry...
If this is a song you cant be so deep.. ppl have to be able to understand what your talking about. there are to many variables here. Simply put nobody holds conversations like that.
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Terrible advice.