My fellow Americans, today is a cacophonous day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "excrement", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually smother.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces kickass and diehard challenges like never before. Our economy is insane. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for clowns. Our healthcare system is awesome. If your schlong is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a medical something. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a vacuum cleaner sports bra. But fisting together we can right this ship, and set a course for here or there.
Finally, I must thank my extreme family, my ball-grapsing campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank whiteys for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of hard-hitting the American people. Without your funky efforts, none of this would have been possible.
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