all right i suppose i'll throw you a bone here.
i liked this piece as a whole, but i do have a few things to say about it.
The descriptive nature of the story is brilliant in itself, however at some points it drags on a bit too long.
For example:
Quote:
|
A pause. She knows me, she don’t know me that well, just enough to know I’ve got a few screws loose. A few cards short of a poker game. A few balls less than shootin’ straight. A few ants short of a poetic afternoon picnic. A few ounces short of a full swimming pool. A few pints short of a stocked bar. A few lines off of 20/20 vision. A few nails short of a sturdy foundation. A few cigarettes short of a pack. All that and then some.
|
This paragraph starts out and ends well, but there are just a few too many examples given that it ends up a little dry.
Another suggestion would be to format the piece differently. I realize that it is a short story but it's written incredibly poetically. I might try spacing it differently to display that so that it is read correctly. However, I could be entirely off the mark here.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this nonetheless and good luck in your endeavors.