Thread: My first song
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Old 02-22-2009, 10:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
Naked
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Klamninja View Post
Thx for the tip, and here.

Alysia


When I first saw her, I knew she was the one.
Her beautyful eyes, they sparked like stars.
She never knew how much she means to me,
(last part can't get)
you've got a good idea going, here's a few suggestions-
First of, instead of saying "like the stars" you could use a metaphor- Talk about them as if they WERE stars.
Second, AVOID CLICHĖS. I can't stress that enough. I used to use them all the time when I first wrote, so don't be discouraged, but things like "Sparkled like the stars" are way overused.
Maybe think about obscure things that sparkle, or even what sparkles about her?
Open your mind, it doesn't have to make sense to ANYONE but you two, and on you're not supposed to tell the meaning on the surface.
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