I really appreciate your feedback and agree with it. The theme is yes a little trite. . but i don't have many ideas making it less so. Actually, I'm not a very powerful writer so it is not easy for me to evoke interest...
Thanks for your opinion, this is the first time I've ever attempted a rhyming scheme (but it's so simple that it failed) and I do admit I forced the rhyming in some parts.
I actually don't really like the poem much, but its the first thing I've ever written and not deleted, and I only feel compelled to write about stupid things. IMO love poems = worst. But this was more of a why can't two people be together if nothing is holding them apart but themselves? It doesn't even pertain to my life, actually...just pondering that I tried to make evoke an emotion in another. The first version was much more "I ...You" I tried to show my point more by creating a distant, third party point of view, but in the middle two stanzas making the POV first and second. As if to say on the outside, we are distant, and on the inside, we're personal. IT doesn't quite work that way because my last 3 lines don't fit that.
Once again thanks for taking the time to share your opinion. I'd also like to be more of a contributing poster, you say "attempted" and I've merely just tried to have some chitchat and share minimal views on music. Now posting in this section seems a bit selfish but, I didn't have anyone to show it to, nor do I go to any other sites WITH a songwriting section and people who (from what I've read) give feedback/crit, not just the empty "I like it"
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