Quote:
Originally Posted by 7gaugejames
The mixed duality of content seems contrived and purposed. Miserable bliss, is a bit used, and you can't ascend any where but up,  redundant. Try keeping all your tenses the same, if he's searching and dying he should be fading and atrophying, just suggestions.  Alas, we come to cadence, iambic cadence, poetry can be very dark, we(artists) like dark, but the heart is rythymic,  the brain isn't always as rythym bound. It's learned. keep writing. Have you ever read any Vogon poetry? Check it out.  |
True, you can't ascend anywhere but upward. I should change that in my copy. As far as the fading and atrophying, the problem is punctuation. The poem is just a story of what happens to "Him". I was trying to say that His closer allies (friends), and His beautiful value (value as a person) fades and atrophies. He is not fading in atrophying, it is his friends and self-worth. It's something that happens to him in the story. I'm afraid I don't know how to punctuate that stanze to make it seem like I'm not saying His beautiful "value", as in something that is beautiful that he has, or something of value.
Oh, and, thank you so much for feedback.