Only recently got round to watching the Indiana Jones quadrilogy. Here's what I thought.

Obviously this is the first in the quadrilogy, and pretty much everyone holds the opinion that it is the best of the lot. I don't really agree with this. Though the opening is probably the best opening of any Action film EVER. And the Desert chase scene is a classic (the bit where Indy is dragging along underneath the van - brilliant) the rest of the film didn't have me as gripped as I was expecting

My personal favourite. It starts off particularly slowly, but after the initial disappointment, it kicks and screams to its climax. I'm surprised that no one really classes this as the standout moment of the series, it has all the elements of a classic. The mine cart chase is seriously one of the best scenes that has been commited to film, and had me completely gripped throughout - that's saying something considering I've only just watched the film, over 20 years since it's original release. Of course, with the good there comes the bad. And the bad here is the company that Indy takes with him on his adventure. Willie. I can take Short Round, even with his 'funny funny' and his rather unsettling love for Indy (seriously, why does he love him so much?) but Willie just takes the proverbial biscuit. Her fear of everything isn't cute, and in no way shape or form does it make me warm to her naivety. She makes me want to take to the mountains in a vow of cellebacy. For fuck sake, Indy, just shove it in her mouth and tell bitch to shut the fuck up.

So the love interest didn't work in Temple of Doom. What do they do next? They only slap fucking James Bond in there. Sean Connery as Indiana Jones' Dad seems like the worlds best idea on paper, so as I was marathon-watching the series, this is the film I was most looking forward to getting to. And I was disappointed. Very disappointed. The Zoo train sequence is the most stupid fucking scene ever. It's amazing how they put such a ludicrous idea into such a popular franchise. We'll accept a young Indy with a silly boyband haircut, fine, but to explain his whole character in under TEN MINUTES? Just go fuck yourselves. In fact, I would've even gone so far as to accept the explanation for his fear of snakes, or how he got that fedora hat, but the whole 'he learnt how to use his whip because he had to tame a lion' thing? That's too far. Ilse, the sort of lost interest in this one, starts off well. That is until she goes all Nazi, and then she only really pops up to show us that even though she betrayed Indy, there might be some hope for her after all.

We don't care. You're a Nazi.

Indy meets Adolf Hitler. That's all I've got to say on that.

The rest of the film from then on purely consists of Indy bitching about James Bond not being a good enough father, never taking him out for a milkshake or a quick game of catch. It carries on along this path, Indy whining, Connery not giving a shit. The Last Crusade basically goes on its way proving the point that Bond is cooler than Indiana Jones. And I bet Bond would have dealt with Willie like a man.

In no way, shape or form is this the worst of the series. Last Crusade holds that title by a country mile. Neither is it particularly astounding. But it is worth watching purely for the shits and giggles. As everyone already knows, this one involves aliens. Regardless of whether or not that's the most stupid thing to introduce in the Indiana Jones series, it made me give more of a shit than the other rubbish he was collecting. A big golden basket, a rock - even the Holy Grail turned out to be an eggcup.

For the most part, Harrison Ford doesn't look too out of place considering he's knocking on a bit now. The one thing I would change about his overall image is those baggy brown trousers he wears - makes him look like my Grandad, were my Grandad an adventurer and not, well, dead.

Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull definitely takes the crown for the most WTF moments in a movie. Ever. It made me wonder why no one turned round to Spielberg during shooting and was like 'Steve, maybe people aren't going to believe you can survive an atomic bomb by hiding in a fridge...'

The car chase at the end, though yet again completely unrealistic, is thrilling and sits just a couple of popcorn boxes behind the mine cart chase for sheer cinematic thrills.


Overall, the series isn't as consistent as everyone seems to think it is. Raiders of The Lost Ark is overrated, Temple of Doom underrated, The Last Crusade unrated and Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull overstated.