Robert Frost once said "Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down." now While this isn't exactly free verse, it certainly seems like you had the net down whilst writing this...what you have written is acceptable and the thoughts you provoke come across, but then again so can a bus timetable but i don't look to bus timetables for a look into the soul of a bus. I read poetry for a look into the soul of the writer. Try expressing yourself to the point where you can quite honestly not express yourself any further, play with images and thoughts and allow them to merge effortlessly, in whatever order they come to you, and then put that tennis net up and start trying to hit the base line with every word,sentence and stanza....The idea is formed in this poem, it just hasn't been developed.
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