Eh, the metaphor is still what's bothering me. It's rather wobbly in terms of meaning. I just kinda hear this 'feel good- God's Holy Ghost is here' type of thing that I hear from all the rich people at my church who are always 'slain in the spirit'.
This is not to be harsh, but you should recognize that the topic you are singing on has to contain insight-not restate or redo what everyone else has done (whether it was a song or not).
Your stuff has been great, in general, but you really need to sit down and think about what your saying in this song here before you consider it even nearly finished.
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