Fruitonica

As someone who actually likes Pitchfork, I didn't like this post. Which basically spurred me onto this pointless ramble. Have some fun hopefully.

A hipster is a person who is overtly and self-consciously cool. Coolness in this sense is a state of being, to a hipster, ultimate coolness would be akin to Nirvana. However, coolness is fickle and must be constantly pursued, never fully attained. You might come close, but eventually it will slip through your fingers, much like that pesky roadrunner (a key difference is that hilarity rarely ensues).



The main way in which a hipster attempts to cultivate their coolness, is through the consumption of media, most prominently music. And this is why they're generally so disliked, because of the shallowness of their appreciation, they reduce any art to its cool factor. Music is turned inside out, from something you engage with personally, to something that is worn for the world to admire. A hipster's tastes aren't genuine, they are transient, shifting on a fashionable whim. Because of this, it's pointless to try and define 'hipster music', but obscurity is generally desirable, because it denotes authenticity.

This search for credibility bleeds into the rest of the hipster's lifestyle; these are the type of kids who probably wish they grew up in Sierra Leone, because how ****ing authentic is that? (Any musical argument amongst hipsters can be won with the phrase, 'Yeah, but I was a child soldier'). But because hipsters generally come from affluent families, they have to make-believe poverty by shopping for leggings in thrift shops and eating dirt mixed with flour, which they probably STOLE. This can be observed through the emaciated frame of a true hipster, and it is often remarked that the saddest thing* is a slightly fat person trying desperately to fit in with a group of real hipsters. This slight build benefits in other ways, the lightest and lankiest hipsters will be able to lope ahead of the pack and reach fresh bands before they can be heard by anyone.

According to Dreadnaught hipsters ride fixed gear bikes, which I did not know. Though it makes sense in a way, extra gears being a mark of the Bourgeoisie, which, as far as social classes go is stridently uncool. A little research on this informed me that the coolest hipsters have taken to riding fixed gear bikes made of brightly coloured hemp macrame and their own quizzical expressions. That's pretty cool.

Ramble ramble ramble....

*Apart from a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken someday.