VEGANGELICA

I agree with posts made by adidasss and Hesher (and Toretorden, of course). I oppose hitting anyone, whether adult or child. Causing someone physical pain is never a solution because it is also a problem.

I agree with the current philosophy of schools and teachers in the U.S. (and Australia, as Laterus describes) that people should use their words to resolve issues and should not physically harm or hurt others. This is succinctly stated in the phrase, "Hands are not for hitting." I believe this strongly for logical reasons and because of my experiences as a child and as a parent:

(1) LOGIC: if you are teaching a child not to hit others (which is usually the number one lesson we have to teach children), then we should not hit children. Children are quick to pick up on hyprocrisy and unfairness. My ethical view is that people who have power over the weak should not exploit that power but should instead be merciful and gentle, so that those who are weak feel safe, unthreatened, and protected, and in turn protect others who are weaker than they are.

(2) MY OWN EXPERIENCE: my dad spanked me when I was 5. Once. I don't remember what my behavior was that he didn't like, but I *do* remember running and hiding behind my bed. My mom eventually coaxed me out. I never felt as close to my father emotionally as to my mother while growing up, and his hitting me was one of the reasons. My dad apologized years later and I accepted his apology. If he could do it over, he said he wouldn't have hit me.

(3) PARENTING EXPERIENCE: I have never and would never hit my child, now 6, because I do not want him to feel it is okay to use his body to physically harm others, including myself. Also, I do not want to hurt him physically or emotionally. The fundamental lesson I am teaching my own child is to use his words, not his body, to tell how he feels.

We use "time outs" as a discipline method--and the "time out" simply consists of sitting with our child (for the number of minutes equal to his age) and not doing anything, then discussing the reason we gave him a time out. We only give our child time outs for actions that are safety issues, such as if he hits one of us. If he is refusing to do something that is not directly safety-related (such as refusing to pick up all his toys that he has left out in the living room, causing a tripping hazard), then I explain that it is his responsibility to clean them up since he made the mess in common space, and if he chooses not to do so then we will take away his TV privileges for 1 day. He can make all the messes he wants in his private space (his room), but in the common areas we have different rules so that we can share the space.

One of my great delights as a parent is having my 6-year-old argue with me, because he is using his reason and his words and is not afraid to tell me what he really feels. Viva Free Speech! I would recommend always explaining to children, regardless what age they are, what your reasons are for doing things (like taking away privileges), so that even if they can't understand your reasoning they see you using your words and communicating peacefully about a problem, which models the behavior you want them to follow.

FD, I do feel the action of spanking is violence regardless what the feelings of the hitter are. Whether the spanker is feeling angry or coldly calm or regretful, hitting a child is still hitting a child to cause the child pain, and that is violence. I do not feel love involves fearing a person. Fear is fear and is not love.

--Erica

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