passable, depending on the musical background and melodies. However, it really is..flat. I guess I'll be using that word a lot today. :S
here, read this i posted for someone else and see if it helps you:
Quote:
hmm. not sure what to say on this one. there isn't anything particularlly powerful about it, though it isn't bad either.
Perhaps the mediocrity lies in the images... or rather the lack thereof. There are only so many words to describe literal feelings, and those words tend to be used over and over again. granted, you did not submit to the classic cliches of heartbreak, but it just doesn't have a depth to it.
Revise it. Really get into the head of the narrator, feel those feelings and remember the verses, rather than just making them up. Rather than relying on "oh i couldn't help loving you" as a lyric, use the images and details to build up a situation so that the reader (or listener) could infer the love rather than simply being told. It has potential.
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"Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
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