Hi, Rainfall,
Your poems are often very introspective and I appreciate that you are trying to show feelings and situations in novel ways. I'll go through your poems one by one and make a few comments about most of them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall
[A happier poem written about two years ago. I HATE cliches, but this WAS written for a specific person]
from "Diamond Daze"
What will happen to me,
When this feeling I can't sustain?
Confused and overtaken,
I'll stay home and watch the rain.
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Above, I would recommend you keep the typical grammatical structure of the sentence (subject verb object) even if this means the end word does not rhyme with the end word of another line, because contorting the grammatical structure makes the poem sound as if it were written in the 1800s (when people more frequently achieved rhymes by switching around the placement of words). So, for example, I would recommend you write: "What will happen to me/ When I can't sustain this feeling?/Confused and overtaken,/I'll stay home and watch the rain." Or, perhaps you could write something such as, "What will happen to me/When this feeling I can't sustain/Melts into confusion/Like snow melts into rain," to link together the ideas of something sparkly (diamonds, new love) altering.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall
This particular piece was written for a song (written on guitar), but it's not recorded, and I don't know if it ever will be. I'm not much of a singer...
From "Discovery"
My thoughts drift away
Serenity is here
A gracing presence near
Quiet simplicity
It reigns over me
The feeling of being free
Gone awhile,
Not sure when
I’ll make it back again.
It’s just been…
So long since I’ve seen
The water and the trees.
It’s quite the discovery.
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About "Discovery"--I feel the simplicity of the song structure reflects the topic: the feeling of peace that overcomes one as one feels how wonderful it is to simply be/exist. I prefer the song without the final line (which I put in bold), because I see this line as simply repeating what you already desdribe in the final stanza ("It's just been.../So long since I've seen/The water and the trees").
I listened to your three instrumental songs, by the way, and enjoyed the variety of sounds and feelings you have in them. I encourage you to sing even if you don't feel you are much of a singer! Some of my favorite songs are sung by people whose voices have a lot of individuality and personality. Also, the more you sing the more practice you'll get and probably the better you'll like your singing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall
[Another written for a school assignment, but I never liked the title, so I changed it from Tennessee.]
She was more than what we realized, but why honor her now?
She was of bliss, and of more love than any of us ever knew,
All our violence is so much to allow.
How much longer until we run ourselves through?
I was once blinded, and so beyond my fate.
But I can see past it now, and I know what to look for.
This sardonic world is so hard to relate
To someone who never wanted more, more, more.
...
You told me you want to live
Take life to the fullest, love life to give.
So were all these deflections, intended lies...
... to solidify your suicide?
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I like the twist in the concept behind this poem: the loving, giving person (who you felt was so loving and giving) deceived you and others by being unloving toward herself and taking her own life. Sometimes I wasn't quite sure what was meant by a few lines. For example, you wrote: "I was once blinded, and so beyond my fate." What does it mean to be beyond one's fate?
In the final stanza, where you rhyme live/give and then rhyme the vowel sounds of lies/suicide, I wish there were a way to alter the 3rd line (such that it ends in "lied") to rhyme perfectly with suicide, since so many of the other stanzas have perfect rhyming schemes ("aabb," for example). I notice the lack of perfect rhyming of the last 2 lines especially because those two lines, like the final two lines of a sonnet, summarize the whole poem and thus seem to me to be most important such that their lack of a perfect rhyme stands out in my mind more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall
[When I was younger, I often pondered in the past, revisiting memories that had long since been gone. Sometimes I would do this to the point of being unhealthy, but I have changed since. But every so often I find myself doing the same thing...
I don't mind this piece, but I dislike the last line and the turn of direction it goes, but it fits in with the 'life flashing before your eyes' sort of deal... I dunno. Opinions?]
I've been lost
In my past of deep memories.
How long has there been a wall
Between me and my history?
I happened here a few days ago
The dark has been all I know since
If you share some knowledge,
I'll give you my ignorance.
How long will I crawl in this world
Stuck in an unending dream?
I once thought my reminisce as a pearl
Now I can’t escape, it seems.
I stumbled here some time ago
My stark demeanor is now all I show.
If you lend me a little light,
I'll sell you my shadow.
I am lost
In a cell of sensory demise.
I was wrong to wander at all
Pondering now if I’ve died.
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About the above: I don't really mind the "died" but wonder if you could alter the line somehow so that it starts to feel as if, when one wallows in the past, the *present* rather than oneself has died? The risk of spending too much time in the past is that it can prevent one from enjoying living in the present. In a sense, rehashing old memories in too much depth can "kill" the present.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainfall
[I was experimenting by not rhyming one day, though I ended up rhyming part of it anyway. Interestingly, I like the freeform stanzas better.]
What am I and what am I to become?
Staring through the wood grain on the back of my guitar
Questions flow thoroughly and throughout me.
Like tangerine nectar to bees in the spring,
The spathe like answers stick on the inside of my mind:
The sharpest metal will turn to rust,
In no time to save one’s self.
Even diamond turns to dust,
Just like everything else.
Tonight holds no special surprises;
Through glass I see that
Turnstones float on frosty air
While a fire falls behind them.
Steam rises from a cup of English tea
Which rests in my hand.
A warm brush of whiskers and a soft mew
Is all there is to remind me of this reality.
What is this, and what is it to become?
An inward reflection stares back at me;
The answer in his eyes.
It takes a thudding heartbeat and
A breathless atmosphere
To release what secrets there are.
The warmest heart can be turned cold
With promises and wealth.
One hopes he’ll learn when he turns old,
But he’s just like everyone else.
What was said is truth:
Everything is like everything else.
What lies before you
Steals innocence and leaves nothing to prove.
Just like this moment, something can last forever.
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I like the "tangarine nectar" simile for how these existential questions can draw one's mind toward them. You solidify an idea as a delicious taste.
What do you mean by "spathe?" I looked it up and it appears to be a technical term for part of a flower?
Like VeggieLover writes, I like the concreteness of the descriptions in your stanza that ponders and reflects on the feeling of reality by describing the cat and the sensations of the tea. I also feel the stanza describing how all will die/all is ephemeral ("the sharpest metal will turn to rust") does a good job describing this concept with physical examples rather than just words that express the concept. One point of confusion for me: much of the poem is about the fact that nothing lasts forever, yet the final line says something will. What is it that you see as lasting forever?
I hope this helps!
--Erica