Quote:
Originally Posted by VeggieLover
This is just a short little word sketch i wrote, if u've got the time, id appreciate feedback. Also, if you can think of a better name then Ivy, id appreciate it.
... All up her back the faint green tendrils could be seen tracing the ripples of her muscle as she turned about to face her day. But what really caught the attention was her eyes. A man might be trapped forever looking into those eyes. It seemed that the endless wisdom of the ancient forest lay hidden in that elusive green. Storms that had ripped up saplings by the roots still raged there, but the soft drowsy summers of decades past resided there too, softening the forest’s pain with a blanket of time. Long lashes blinked calmly and curiously at the world around them, framing these huge windows into the soul of the forest. Like a fairy’s ring of mushrooms, Ivy’s eyes could trap and bind a mortal with a single glance, making his only wish be to run with her among the trees reflected in those deep pools of green.
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Hi, VeggieLover,
Your fantasy world for Ivy is rich with detail. I especially liked the detail of the vines tracing her muscle (would it be better to say muscle
s?).
If you wrote "a person" instead of "a man," you could broaden Ivy's appeal. Wouldn't all people be mesmerized by such a creature? Currently the piece sounds like the fantasy of a young woman wanting to be loved and adored by a man; if you broaden it to describe how the nymph would lure *all* people in, then this somehow makes the piece sound less like wish-fulfillment and more like fantasy/science fiction. For example, you could write, "Ivy’s eyes could trap and bind
mortals with a single glance, making
their only wish be to run with her among the trees reflected in those deep pools of green."
One line that broke me out of the fantasy world is the one where you compared her eyes to a "fairy's ring of mushrooms," because the image of a ring of mushrooms makes me start to think of her eyelashes as being like a ring of mushrooms, which would look...odd.
Hmmm. The name Ivy. I actually would replace the first "Ivy" (which you place in the first sentence) with "her" and leave her unnamed until after you have described her as a nymph. A name so strongly labels and confines a person that it limits one's imagination of her, I feel, especially since a large point made in your description is that Ivy is not just an individual but part of/an extension of the whole forest.
Perhaps you could sneak the name in by adding something to this line you wrote:
"A fast growing Citatus Vine had wound itself around her ankle in the night,
which seemed fitting since she was called Ivy by those who knew her."
I can't really think of a name that seems more appropriate than "Ivy." If I do, I'll let you know!