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Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA
Above, I would recommend you keep the typical grammatical structure of the sentence (subject verb object) even if this means the end word does not rhyme with the end word of another line, because contorting the grammatical structure makes the poem sound as if it were written in the 1800s (when people more frequently achieved rhymes by switching around the placement of words).
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Yes, I went over this poem with a friend of mine (who is a genius in more ways than one) and we had quite a long discussion on just this line. I wasn't trying to switch the words around (because, even iolden English didn't switch words like in this situation) but more as an incomplete sentence, though I know that it still doesn't make sense in this light. The original piece was written as follows:
What will happen to me
When all this I can't explain?
Confused and overtaken,
I'll stay home and watch the rain.
It's funny, because my genius friend said Diamond Daze was her favorite, and veggielover poses it mediocre. But I love conflicting opinions, and enjoy hearing both sides.
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About "Discovery"--I feel the simplicity of the song structure reflects the topic: the feeling of peace that overcomes one as one feels how wonderful it is to simply be/exist. I prefer the song without the final line (which I put in bold), because I see this line as simply repeating what you already desdribe in the final stanza.
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I do agree, but in my mind (how I had the song all planned out), the last line would be whispered or very quiet and reverbed or something like that, making it hardly discernable. If I ever get the courage I may show you exactly what I mean :p
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I listened to your three instrumental songs, by the way, and enjoyed the variety of sounds and feelings you have in them. I encourage you to sing even if you don't feel you are much of a singer! Some of my favorite songs are sung by people whose voices have a lot of individuality and personality. Also, the more you sing the more practice you'll get and probably the better you'll like your singing.
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Thank you for the input. I'll see if I can put something together with some vocals, perhaps even Discovery (it has a simple vocal part).
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I like the twist in the concept behind this poem: the loving, giving person (who you felt was so loving and giving) deceived you and others by being unloving toward herself and taking her own life. Sometimes I wasn't quite sure what was meant by a few lines. For example, you wrote: "I was once blinded, and so beyond my fate." What does it mean to be beyond one's fate?
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In the writing process I often fixate myself not on the meaning of each line, but how they sound, and then clean it up after going back over it. In this particular case I liked how I had this line more than my fix-up ideas, dispite not fitting in with the other, clearer lines.
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In the final stanza, where you rhyme live/give and then rhyme the vowel sounds of lies/suicide, I wish there were a way to alter the 3rd line (such that it ends in "lied") to rhyme perfectly with suicide, since so many of the other stanzas have perfect rhyming schemes ("aabb," for example). I notice the lack of perfect rhyming of the last 2 lines especially because those two lines, like the final two lines of a sonnet, summarize the whole poem and thus seem to me to be most important such that their lack of a perfect rhyme stands out in my mind more.
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Hm, as I mentioned before, I don't much focus on such things, and sometimes don't even realize if a set of words are 'perfect rhymes' or not, because when sung, many phoenetic parts of words aren't even pronounced. I'll fix this poem up a little more.
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About the above: I don't really mind the "died" but wonder if you could alter the line somehow so that it starts to feel as if, when one wallows in the past, the *present* rather than oneself has died? The risk of spending too much time in the past is that it can prevent one from enjoying living in the present. In a sense, rehashing old memories in too much depth can "kill" the present.
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I agree, though I do like how it could be a twist, and the reminisce was really a 'flashing before one's eyes' moment kind of deal. But I may work on this one a little more, I never really put much effort into it.
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I like the "tangarine nectar" simile for how these existential questions can draw one's mind toward them. You solidify an idea as a delicious taste.
What do you mean by "spathe?" I looked it up and it appears to be a technical term for part of a flower?
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This piece, which was for a project in school, was my last, and I sometimes do a little 'spicing' up with adjectives and such, though I don't like to do it generally for the reason that the adjectives may not fit in because they weren't written in the 'spur of the moment.' When I am writting down a new poem I usually focus on a particular feeling or event, which can't always be retreived later on. In this case I looked up spathe, and against my better judgement I put it hastily in, perhaps mistaken that it isn't the sticky-sweet part of the flower (and even if it is, it doesn't exactly fit, so it was a lose-lose situation).
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One point of confusion for me: much of the poem is about the fact that nothing lasts forever, yet the final line says something will. What is it that you see as lasting forever?
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Throughout the whole poem there was supposed to be a gradual understanding developing in the character: ex., 'the sharpest metal turns to rust', ect. So, contradictory to what "he" originally though, some things CAN (seem) to last forever, like the moment he experienced.
Thank you for the in-depth critique; it was more than I could've hoped for. I hope to hear your input in poems, or songs, to come!