Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenkin
The Room
In a Room, deep inside...
The dark recesses, of my mind,
Dwells a place of candle-lit purity.
We were alone, o so cold...
Such a sight, to behold,
The Illusion of dancing flames tranquility.
Comfort sets, slight regret...
That i tend to forget,
That moment in time our eyes first locked.
No words to disturb...
The minute that i learned,
How loves sweet embrace could kill a man.
So we sat, quite content...
Souls tangled,
Not wanting to unravel.
What a beautiful mess we manifest!
Time is standing, years go by...
Love is dead, what a lie,
This memory of you..
Could last a lifetime.
She's fading now, Walls are melting...
Candles out, the world is burning,
As devious people begin to fill a strange new room.
What is this, consumed bliss...
Walls of pads, the needle missed,
That syringe holds the gateway to my heart.
"This ones abit different from my other writings. I couldn't sleep tonight and this idea popped in my head. Critique it, i know there is probably a problem with grammer in there somewhere. Let me know what you think."
|
Hi again, Ravenkin,
This song sounds like a description of a man who in old age is either going mad or using drugs (I think he is in a psychiatric ward) who remembers a love he experienced during youth. I especially like the line in bold, "the beautiful mess we manifest," since it involves rhyming within the line and conveys quickly the sense of the complexity of a relationship that still can feel so beautiful and meaningful even with the problems. This line stuck with me after reading the poem such that I wanted to search again through MB to find it.
The poem makes me wonder: why did the love turn out to be a lie? And did this contribute to the speaker's eventual descent into either madness or a disturbed drug-induced state?
The line, "The moment in time our eyes first locked," sounds less original than the others because "eyes locking" is a cliche...also, since when one thinks of it literally, the image of eyes locking is quite jarring, and so reading that line jarred me out of the poem's imagined reality back into my real world.
"So we sat, quite content" sounds very mild after the description of the intensity of their first meeting. I feel this line would be stronger without the "quite": "So we sat content."
When you write "comfort sets" do you mean "comfort sets in" as in comfort begins?
--Erica