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Old 09-22-2009, 05:38 PM   #134 (permalink)
Arya Stark
"Hermione-Lite"
 
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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I haven't read it through yet, but I'm going to comment as I read.

Although this is in the form of a poem, I don't feel any type of flow or anything. I'm going to read and criticize it in the form of a story or something along the lines of it.

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I think it's unnecessarily long, by the first few verses, the point is pretty much made. I like that the daughter is worried about what her father thinks and that he loves her unconditionally. It eventually becomes redundant.

I think if you add some more parts inbetween the redundant verses, it could make for a cute children's book. Some of the parts are a bit disturbing, such as being hairy all over and having four of the same limb instead of two arms and two legs. Maybe that can be made a bit less intense.

THEN it could make for a cute children's story.
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