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Blue · 10-18-2009, 08:14 AM

I think I'm in an ever-evolving state of self-reflection, or at least I feel I have been for a few years now. To be honest and open, it was set off when I was about 15 as my mother got sick, and eventually passed away roughly two years later. It was a big reality check for me. It made me stop and actually consider things like who I was, what life was, what I believe in, what I want to do with my life.....In short, it was almost like being born and coming alive for the first time. I didn't feel I had a sense of identity before that event, and now I feel very grounded in terms of who I am.

I still reflect on quite a lot though. Lately I had been feeling kind of pent-up, and I realized as I was walking about outside yesterday that I was holding onto a lot, mentally and emotionally. I was gripping my life itself so hard, I was suffocating it in some ways. I think a lot of this was actually caused by the passing of my mother because it made me grab on to what I had. I let go a lot in that moment, and though I still will have bouts where I will subconsciously grab on to things too hard, I will (hopefully) be able to recognize it now.

I've also realized lately that I've become somewhat apprehensive and perhaps even jaded over the past couple of years. I would hold negative reservations about things and then as I experienced them, I'd expect the worst in some ways. Even down to little things like bodily aches and pains; I'd worry I was sick, or dying, or there was something wrong with me. Thinking logically, it's all very irrational, but we can talk ourselves into the craziest things in our own heads.

I also realized at one point in my life that I was always waiting for something. Waiting to get off work, or waiting to get out of school, or waiting for the evening, or weekend, or waiting to go somewhere or do something. I realized I was waiting to live really, and that life happens now, and only now. I suppose I always knew that intrinsically, but it really hit home in that moment. This moment is all you have and all you'll ever have; everything else is up in the air. I don't want to waste this moment chasing the past and future; I'd rather live, because that is all I have.

10-18-2009, 08:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
Blue Music Addict Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Toronto, ON Posts: 287	I think I'm in an ever-evolving state of self-reflection, or at least I feel I have been for a few years now. To be honest and open, it was set off when I was about 15 as my mother got sick, and eventually passed away roughly two years later. It was a big reality check for me. It made me stop and actually consider things like who I was, what life was, what I believe in, what I want to do with my life.....In short, it was almost like being born and coming alive for the first time. I didn't feel I had a sense of identity before that event, and now I feel very grounded in terms of who I am. I still reflect on quite a lot though. Lately I had been feeling kind of pent-up, and I realized as I was walking about outside yesterday that I was holding onto a lot, mentally and emotionally. I was gripping my life itself so hard, I was suffocating it in some ways. I think a lot of this was actually caused by the passing of my mother because it made me grab on to what I had. I let go a lot in that moment, and though I still will have bouts where I will subconsciously grab on to things too hard, I will (hopefully) be able to recognize it now. I've also realized lately that I've become somewhat apprehensive and perhaps even jaded over the past couple of years. I would hold negative reservations about things and then as I experienced them, I'd expect the worst in some ways. Even down to little things like bodily aches and pains; I'd worry I was sick, or dying, or there was something wrong with me. Thinking logically, it's all very irrational, but we can talk ourselves into the craziest things in our own heads. I also realized at one point in my life that I was always waiting for something. Waiting to get off work, or waiting to get out of school, or waiting for the evening, or weekend, or waiting to go somewhere or do something. I realized I was waiting to live really, and that life happens now, and only now. I suppose I always knew that intrinsically, but it really hit home in that moment. This moment is all you have and all you'll ever have; everything else is up in the air. I don't want to waste this moment chasing the past and future; I'd rather live, because that is all I have.